another haunt

"Posted 09 August 2005 - 09:37 PM

What do you do when you've given up all hope?
Who do you turn to when you have no one to turn to?
What do you do when the 'professionals' don't listen?
Where do you go when the Doctors don't believe you aren't happy?
When do you know it's time to leave?
I think it's mine...I'm sorry to post this but I don't know what else to do....I have no one and nothing...No one is listening I feel tremendously alone.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?WHERE SHOULD I GO?CAN I SECTION MYSELF?I DON'T FEEL SAFE WITH ME!!!!!

I feel ridiculous for posting this but I haven't a clue what else to do...I have tried EVERYTHING...I know there is only one way out....I can't stop crying....I hate me for thinking this.....other people are really sick and dying all around me...I wish I could swap places with them and let them have the lives they deserve.

I'm sorry I've been such an embarrassment to the human race..I wish I could have been murdered...I wish I hadn't cut my arms and brought shame to those who meet me ('cause they felt awkward and don't know what to say)
I wish I could have been a great many things and made my parents proud.But I haven't.I'm not.I'm me and I'm not good enough... "

...wish I'd realised the power of Jesus before the craziness that ensued later that evening...hindsight -isn't it wonderful..the answer to all of my questions there asking who could help seems soooo obvious now...but at the time...phew even when I didn't turn to Him with all of my problems -He still got me through it...He truly is awesome!!! = )

Blast from the past

was helping a buddy and inadvertently triggered myself...

sent her to a site that VERY much helped me when I was struggling and on my darkest days (I didn't know to pray..or indeed, how to) ...I'd say it very much had a hand in my survival...

I found old poems I wrote -particularly about self harm and this one...well...wow...my heart felt like it was going to burst from over-use...

Posted 27 July 2005 - 09:29 PM

I want to hurt me
to know that I feel
to what I'm thinking
to know I can feel

I want to hurt me
so badly you see
to find all the things
that are bothering me

I want to hurt me
'cause I do not know
what's making go through
this unending hell

I want to hurt me
to let it all out
stop bottling it up
and instead scream and shout

I don't know why
I feel this way
But the fact is I do
and it's here to stay

...but do you know what?!!Nah....it didn't stay -it felt like it would, I thought it would, I believed it would...but...it did not!!!

Thank you should be bigger...it doesn't seem enough -but to all my friends that got me through it -thank you; to all the people who made it more difficult -thank you; to the people I hurt because I was hurting me and who stood by me, even for the shortest of time -thank you...(I feel like Hallie Berry!)...but my biggest thank you is to God...I owe you everything -you sent me people when I couldn't accept you...you gave them the right words...you made me, you thought of my before you created the world you knew me when I wasn't visible to the most powerful of our microscopes on Earth, you still think of me now and always have and that is why I still exist...

There should be a bigger word for it, but thank you is all I have! = )

...and as a thanks I will try my best to live by Your example in Jesus and the Saints. = )


***

I have updated that poem because a bit didn't rhyme and it was bugging the life out of me...

I want to hurt me
to know that I feel
to what I'm thinking
to know I CAN feel

I want to hurt me
so badly you see
to find all the things
that are bothering me

I want to hurt me
'cause I cannot tell
what's making go through
this unending hell

I want to hurt me
to let it all out
stop bottling it up
and instead scream and shout

I don't know why
I feel this way
But the fact is I do
and it's here to stay