Mother of a Monster

i shook her hand on Sunday. 

i said "peace be with you".

i even addressed her by name when saying it.

i looked her in the eye when shaking her hand.

My mum warned me immediately after she was told the rota had been changed. 

i told my mum that it was fine, that that woman didn't do anything;

that i, in fact, felt kind of sorry for her for knowing that her son was a monster...

But i am not okay now;

It is tearing me apart.

Circumventing the fact that I'm done

What can I do?

I just want to forget...

well, not forget, just not not care or I guess I just want to, I'd say "be normal" but that doesn't exist.

I'm sick of being checked out.

I'm sick of being a burden.

Pain condition complex medical diagnonsenses YET MY UNDOING IS FROM MY OWN HEAD

I suffer* from a few medical conditions and the greatest hit is my mental health -they are all true but I am close to several people telling me they are not and I am very much struggling to keep my head above the parapet.

*even using the word suffer makes me cringe...ok I can't walk unaided and I'm sore and I don't have a day without pain...but there are people in this world with NOTHING. People starving to death. People so mistreated I could never properly contemplate it. People abandoned LITERALLY at the side of a road, left to die because they have become too difficult for that family to care for...

 

Thirty three Thoughts

Thirty three thoughts flood my brain, head and mind,

A tear streams from my eye and I wipe it away,

What part of "no!" do you not understand?

Just sit beside me and hold my hand.

Don't talk about my like I'm not in the room,

Inside I am broken, dreadful thoughts loom.

Hanging on to a ledge by the tips of my fingers,

The world crushes many and that thought always lingers,

Complete strangers to me, our paths have never crossed,

A glimpse of a headline; from my heart they're never lost.

Physics and suicide *pos T*

If all things fall at the same rate and what not, it wouldn't matter how fat i am or how many more floors up i were...

But it does and it will and it would and it's still horrific for too many others - why can't it just be me who gets killed by a maniac and not some nice, innocent, useful, helpful person?

Distraction 1

TOPIC

Film Quotes

Independence Day (1996)

"Y'know, this was supposed to be my weekend off. But no! You got me out here, draggin' your heavy ass, through the burnin' desert, with your dreadlocks sticking out the back of my parachute. You gotta come down here with an attitude, actin' all big and bad. And what the hell is that smell?! [screams and kicks the alien] I could've been at a barbecue! But I ain't mad." ~

*BANG!* (punches alien in the face)

"Welcome to earth" ~

This broken world is breaking me

Someone, tell me, how do we fix this world? Why does my heart pound in my ears and my body ache when I see anything anywhere... How did it become 2016 and instead of fighting to live and bring home our kill to merely get by, this world looks to an alien passerby as though it is not going backwards, but...worse than that. SERIOUSLY, why can't we just share all of the world's resources and love... Don't tell me just to pray... It's breaking me and I think the glue from the last time I shattered wasn't as strong as the one before... It REALLY IS THAT SIMPLE. LOVE. If we all ACTUALLY LOVED war would be a strange word in history lessons... How can we be on a planet where people are starving to death and damaged massively from malnutrition whilst others are dying from obesity? I just can't do this.