Friends and being a rubbishy one

I've spent FAR too many hours crying over how much of a letdown I am to everyone...

I've completely melted down and caused myself physical harm over these intense feelings.

Social anxiety has crippled me and I don't like to go outside AT ALL anymore...

I had a friend I drove LOTS of places and messaged CONSTANTLY then she got a new boyfriend and I've had my car taken back by the powers that be...

This has ONLY JUST occurred to me...I realise that people have probably experienced this several times over prior to reaching their 30s but I haven't...

I melted again today...

I have no fresh food again and I'm just a total burden everywhere ...

I wasn't able to ask for help at first l, then I was...now I can't again and as stupid as it may be, well, it bugs me to high heaven that people nearby NEED me to explain EVERY TIME when I need help, or...well, food...

I mean...

I could scream...

In truth, I'd rather scream than feel how I do inside... I feel like I'm on fire inside...

Borderline personality disorder makes me feel too much at once and then I switch off to get by and not self harm or shout at the wrong person (that would be everyone... I'm a nothing.)

denied Holy Communion by priest

Last weekend (after attending Holy Mass but being unable to manage to Holy Communion ...I have mobility issues and visual impairment...-and none of the 5 Eucharistic Ministers noticing, nor the Priest...) I asked for Holy Communion after Mass and was told nope...went to car had a greet with 12&7 year old nieces I'd brought, went back in -composed- and was flat out told I was not "in my place" and to "stop arguing" -I wasn't, I just wanted to know the logic behind it ESPECIALLY given that week's Gospel
AND you want to have heard the homily...which I did...twice...

I went to evening Mass -he couldn't even look at me.

Didn't go their this weekend...

I swear -I must be made of see-through stuff or look like I'm bringing a bad reputation to Christianity ... Ostracised much??!!!!

I used to attend daily -morning prayer and Holy Mass.
And from 3 to 28 never missed a single Mass or holy day of obligation and canted the Masses... Sometimes 4 a weekend...

I feel as though I'm being made to feel like a nothing...I have tried to offer the only thing I can (my voice..but no longer do now)

My heart is breaking.

My self harm is even worse than ever and now I've come clean with my psychiatrist about having switched to a hammer because bruises are easier to explain away...

medical review / assessment

I have no idea how in going to be around still in 2 days...

I can't see how I can ... Agoraphobia and social anxiety aside, plus 3 bruised ribs (don't even ask! In a nutshell i fell over the not assembled double bed the consierge put in my bedroom so they didn't have to put it into storage -apparently that's my flat's job!)...
So now I have a chest infection because I can't take deep breaths... Mnyargh...

Honestly! You can't make this cr@p up...

Plus the USED mattress came with 'friends'... Boalk!!
Poor cat needed washed -TWICE!!!

They wonder why I think they're all out to get me!?????

They have also waited til my mum and dad are out of the county to have this assessment!!!

10 days they're not in the UK... I swear to flarfinyarf!!!!

Sorry folks...

Had to vent somewhere...

Maybe someone can smile at this...

Assisted suicide - I am suicidal - do not legalise this!

I am a mess...

I cannot cope the way others appear to...is we time wearing a mask??!!

Am I the only one consumed with thoughts of suicide constantly??!!


Just sent this to my local MSP... For the proposed bill that is to be voted on in the UK in September for "assisted suicide" ...

Yes, I am often suicidal, but believe it or not I AM COMPLETELY AGAINST THIS BILL BECOMING LAW!!...

Here's what I sent...

"Dear Natalie McGarry,

FIRST DO NO HARM... Nuff said!

***

Guess what folks...life is terminal...
(It is nearing 1am so forgive me if I don't word this eloquently but I am in...pain...doesn't quite describe how sore I am just now...) <I have several medical conditions which impact on my breathing, vision, ability to feel things I touch, pain management (or lack thereof), walking, nerve damage, incontinence... It goes on and it ALL feeds into my mental health having taken a nosedive something terrible!!! - I am 30... I never expected much but by golly i never anticipated this!!)
***
If this were legal here, right now, where I am (which is currently in a hospital bed in Scotland)...
I WOULD CHOOSE IT...
Do NOT LET THIS PASS FURTHER THAN IT HAS -open your eyes...it is murder...
***DO NOT HELP ME and others like me MURDER ME...***
I fight suicidal thoughts enough as it is without having a "right" to die act brought out...
...It would become an OBLIGATION...
Yes, it IS that black and white...
LIFE vs DEATH!"

Still here

meh... Couldn't leave someone to find a body -that's just...

i hate me.

So i hurt me instead....seemed lesser of 2 evils....

But then, i still live -that's the greater evil isn't it?

Angel

i won't get to be one.
Wish it had been meningitis or sepsis last month.
That was my only hope.

Mea Culpa-as always ... Never lend money

Nobody can help -my sister now has four babies and I owe her £50, I owe my cousin £70...and -£600. I messaged the person whom I leant lots of money too...but she hasn't anything.

I messaged my friend (well I don't think she is my friend anymore since she got her new fella and finished learning to drive and, well, she has lots of good people building her up...doesn't need me tearing her down) but i text to ask if she'll take care of my cat. He has some food and is a good boy really. He shouldn't be too much of a burden. Someone will take care of him. Someone nice. Even if she can't.

Maybe my friends Sam and David could. I can't message anyone now thogh. The police will come.