Waster

I can't believe how much of a fight it is to fight me... I can't keep fighting me... how the hell can I keep fighting me... I'm lost in a "this doesn't get better" moment... but the moment seems like forever... I can't remember good days, good things, good times... I'm trapped in this flat. The damn adapted mobility car was taken back by the DWP as I'm not classed as being badly immobile enough.. or a better way to word that.. on Monday I had to crawl to get to the toilet and back to bed.. I couldn't reach the microwave so I had what I could reach and as quickly as I could because I was beyond my capacity to withstand the pain.. 

today I'd just like to bed gone.

That's not fair -RIGHT NOW I'd just like to be gone...

But some poor bastard has to find you...

That's all that keeps me here.

***I am not coping well and I know all I'll get from crisis team is "make a cup of tea", "listen to music", "have a bath"... that makes me laugh a bit -I had to wait for 6 years to be the right criteria for a wet room...now I don't even shower... I don't care...

Then part of me argues with me because I DAMN WELL DO CARE!!!***

I tried SO hard to go outside this week in my new electric wheelchair (had to save up for so long and it's second hand and I'm afraid it'll conk out on me and I'm also afraid of outside still anyway...so no problems were helped when I got that (to be fair I've only had it a few weeks and I've not been well enough to properly try to get out -was yesterday...then a BRAND NEW NEIGHBOUR CAME *INTO MY FLAT AND TOOK THE PASSWORD FROM *MY* ROUTER...that I pay for... I keep trying to make excuses!! Does she think that it's a community thing????! ...she then came back again within 10 minutes to ADD ANOTHER DEVICE!!!

I wasn't feeling well at all that day and i had to get out of bed and onto crutches (only for one answer), I was too exhausted and sore so I was crawling and answered the door on my knees the other time!!!

**tried my bloody hardest to get out today and somebody put their key in my door, was rattling the handle, chapping and eventually kicking the door.. I had my phone in my hand and called my sister to ask if she was at the door... she made me remember to press the buzzer for the concierge who told me it was a guy who just came into my block and was really drunk and must have got off at the wrong floor and that they'd come get him to the right place -3pm...back to bed in a state, sweating, legs like jelly, just...a mess..

Which is what I am

And all that I've done

And all that I do.

Semicolon Tattoo

My semicolon tattoo -I designed a frog with my eyes so as to incorporate a semicolon (yep, I've got eyes in the shape of a semicolon. 😂)(guess I'm not allowed to lie down to the horribly intrusive thoughts of the world being better off without me?)

**

I struggle deeply from waking to sleeping and have nightmares about it too... I have little respite from thoughts and memories where I've been told I am not worthy of life and stealing life from others by existing. It is a horrible thing to think of about someone else, least of all say it to them...yet, more than one person in this world has told me so. It's like a wee demon that stays with you and preys upon you.

Mentally, I'm at breaking point too -holding on by fingertips and it seems like some folk are throwing bricks at said fingers...