I miss the folk from GDA face to face but I’m absolutely terrified that people aren’t being sensible with LFTs and masks and general lifestyle that means we’re being put at risk by their choices (or lack of choice I get it I do I swear to frog)
You guys are the front line and those with complex underlying conditions and going home to others with underlying conditions…
I don’t know how you all seem so calm and still forge ahead and I feel both privileged and disgusted with myself that I am not going outside or face to face to fight the fights … I know, if nobody does it we just cease to even have a voice and I refuse to let these b@$t@rd$ win and cull us further.
I’m fully aware that GDA has gone SO ABOVE AND BEYOND FOR ME and I am grateful every day and I want you to know that I am fully aware that it can’t continue the way it has been -social workers and their high heid yins and other powers that be and decision makers seem happy to hear that GDA are where I’m getting showers from. This is so far from ok and I am not a fan of the drain I am on the amount of people I am.
In a nutshell I understand the PA visits cannot continue and I want to be outside sometimes (to GDA things, the rest of the world seem like the heartlessness has upped since pre Sars2).
I haven’t felt the urge to go outside for a long time and it is definitely increasing which I suspect is a good thing…
but it’s also a double-edged sword.
the outside-ness… last night was horrific … when it’s a fight to go outside for one final outside? It’s bad. And when it’s then? I NEED to not have access to outside.
I very nearly went.
I sent a message to one person and then quickly deleted it and fought and…
I need to shut up.
Either shut up and do it or shut up and don’t…
either way…
shut up.
I’ve been trying to be as quiet as I can be so as not to cause more drama/trouble/harm to people than my existing already does.
I’m not doing a good enough job if it.
I also cry at the mere thought of outside. Like I’m somehow lessening the loss of Susan by even wanting to go outside.
I expect she would be fighting better than I am, leaning on less people, at the very least showering herself independently and caring for herself independently… and probably even working her 2 jobs and still volunteering at several other places …
I have never adapted to the complete loss of my mobility -ultimately because the equipment has been ill-made and made FOR A CARER to be there 24/7. Susan was then made to be that “other” when all care was rescinded the night before our civil partnership. I should have said stop then. I absolutely doomed her to the fate she ultimately met. If it had been reversed I would have been unable to do it and done what she did… it should have been that way.
This world is tough enough for Disabled people, more complex when no weight bearing can be done and “just one step” shit is still used as explanations and not realised to be soul destroying. The last 5 years showed Susan how much she’d been pretending to herself that the world was possible to navigate.
If I’d left her alone she’d still be here.
