I would like to disappear but it’s not selfish

I’ve just found an old school friend online. Saw she is married which was nice, two beautiful children, then I saw to whom she is married...and I broke more inside. How can this thing even still sustain me? Why can’t it give in and nobody needs to feel shame from suicide or think I was selfish (my being here still is a double-edged sword) I want to be productive, I want to be helpful, I WANT SO DESPERATELY to be ...better? Ok? Not a burden? Something...

I’m not allowed to live in my flat (as per police instructions) my mobility equipment and my wheelchair are there. I am in so much extra pain because I don’t have these things. 

I’ve been called fat twice today, in the place where I’m having to stay tonight, I don’t want to eat ever again. I can’t be the stone round the neck of all who meet me. I don’t want to be. I’m not CHOOSING to be!!! When you can only fully weight bear on one leg and ‘proper’ cleaning involves climbing over a bathtub-seems tiny, it tough and the way out is downright dangerous.

The last attacker took more of my dignity but needing to push that aside when needing help in/out tub to wash. Then more comments are made on my ‘newer’ scars and weight. I have no sharp things to get by the way I had been... other’s are allowed their alcohol or cigarettes... why is mine so dramatically different and disgusting? Why is my vice the worst? Who decides these things?

Wish there was a way vanishing didn’t leave someone with clean up or work or... whatever 

Constant pain - physical and mental

I’m VERY lost in my head... in the insanity of it all.
CRPS pain has increased lately and sleep had already been suffering prior to that ... NOW? It’s VERY MUCH
‘catch it when you can’ and I feel trapped.
Trapped in a broken body.
Trapped in an overwhelmingly messed up and messed with head.
Trapped in this circle of pain, physical and mental...and a physical pain from a mental pain (I swear if a doctor talks about psychosomatic pain again I will just lie on their floor, I’d say weeping but I’ve lost that ability as of late...) (that particular pain I’m talking about has been with me for as long as I can remember-I think since the age of 8...)

Now I’m not working and I’ve been waiting 13months for an appeal by the powers that be who decided I had suddenly gained the ability to walk fine overnight and removed my mobility car... I’m more of a burden than ever.
I cannot see me working again.
Every time I think it’s going well? BAM! Kicked right back beyond the starting position in the wrong direction and not knowing which way is up...
I’m a burden on my family who love me but have their own lives.

I continue to return to the illogical logic of knowing that my birthday would be a completely tarnished date one day and that the least selfish thing I could do is not ruin another...

It’s so far away though... I missed the last opportunity.

I’ll just be a wee disgusting disappointment as ever now

Suppression Explosion

The brain is AMAZING! (It is also a complete *insert whichever word you feel encapsulates rage/confusion/terror at discovering this and trying to wrap your head round coping with the fallout).

Last year I discovered I had buried abuse so deep that I had erased entire people, time and incidents from my life… just to get by. It was a self-preservation-type thing my brain cleverly did. It did it so as to allow me to function and it did it well!!

Uncovering one was like a dam bursting…

No, my brain had not buried an abuser; it buried more than 15 -I cannot count the exact number and I don’t quiteknow why. I have been physically sick over some and unable to function well since discovering all of this.

I don’t feel quite real. I haven’t since I realised it all.

I always knew I’d been hurt. It wasn’t public knowledge or something I’d say when introducing myself, but I’d started -in the last few years, and since the ONE I refer to occurred roughly between my being 6&11…and I’m now 33? It took many many years for me to stop completely circumventing the facts.

Now? I don’t know… I can barely see from day to day anymore.

Perhaps one day I’ll be able to update this and have positive progress and recovery from the broken shell of a person that I seem to be at the moment…