Had i managed to not see 2018 I would be a few flashbacks less.
i had planned to leave on my birthday of last year, just near the end of the year but not tremendously selfish; the least selfish way i could work it out for anyone who might be mad or sad or... ha! Who am i that i think i could cause others to feel?
i am so empty.
i am so tired.
i am supposed to run the race to the finish? i am running nowhere and that nowhere is circles and spirals within my own head.
my knees are knackered from crawling. Trying to (or being forced to, as i was in hospital!) walk leaves me in an indescribable pain... would that doctor look at my black toes and purple with orange mottled leg? Ha! Don’t be daft. It’s all part of the plan that I GET ME and the shame and blame lies with ME.
It didn’t happen on my birthday. My sister and her kids took me outside. My littlest niece had JUST turned 2 and couldn’t grasp that it wasn’t HER birthday... just near the end of the evening SHE DID! It all clicked in her little clever brain and I just melted inside!
**
But then craziness happened. Group therapy has unearthed things i has buried! Things i wish had remained buried because they’re going to bury me now that they are unearthed. That hole needs filled with something and it seems it’s me that’s going in.
I truly thought my new therapist ‘got’ me. She doesn’t. I’m coming across as the girl who cries wolf. I’ve sat for too many hours with an escape option.
I had another plan.
I told no one.
I did not want to be a burden or cause hurt when the release would come for me.
And the joke was on me again.
I spent the whole of new year in hospital in isolation but without the means to carry out that plan.
So now, I can’t choose a specific date. A year is too long to hold on like this. It’s worse than ever and I’m clearly not explaining that very well to the psych.
If only i weren’t on her books/list/whatever.
I’d rather it didn’t fall at her feet.
Mess her head.
i just cannot keep seeing what i am.
If you saw, you’d understand.
Perhaps not condone, almost certainly not help...but understand.
Each day brings more information i had managed to hide from myself for decades. Now i am drowning and i have tried to word it so as to be clear without hurting her, or anyone who could get to those who can help... but i can’t. My ability to be clear has vanished. The clear things are the horrific things that i wish were blurred.
***
One incident i remember was in a foreign country and a father watched as his son assaulted me... in a way that now means i let nobody near me -even doctors/nurses...i have to cause more expense and be put to sleep for things...
he wasn’t taking ‘direction’ and was punched and told to “watch how it’s done son”. i was not there. i only remembered these words and being physically thrown round like -i’d say a doll but even a wee lassie wouldn’t handle their dolls like the way i can remember me/see me being handled. It’s like i’m floating above that scene. And yes IT DID HAPPEN. I WISH IT HAD NOT. I WISH I WERE THE LIAR SO MANY OBVIOUSLY THINK I AM. But... i am not.
i didn’t call out for help: it was my own doing; my own fault.
