5am? Again? This side of it...
And i have a cracker of a chest infection that i cannot shift -go to the GP you'd think? You're lucky enough to live in the UK -that doesn't even cost you! GO!
Oh, where do i start?
One word.
Psychosomatic.
That's what they'll say.
"Oh come on! You're mind reading! You do NOT know they'll say that!"
Really? Let's chalk it up to 19 years worth of HEARING THAT DAMN WORD!!! From a VARIETY of doctors, nurses, psychologists, psychiatrists, counsellors, psychotherapists, CPNs... most of whom CAN BARELY WAIT to drop me off their lists of 'wasters'.
I'm wheezing like a burst accordion and this is making the cat's cry; fair enough. They'd be better off with a ... anyone else.
Why did I DO THIS to them?
Be a rescue home when i am ... me.
i had been saying a bit of a motto thing to myself, trying to lull myself into believing it perhaps?
If i rescue them, they'll rescue me.
WRONG.
Selfish and wrong.
They'd need YET ANOTHER uprooting if i were to ...
Why do i LIVE in this non-life? Thinking, no, BELIEVING(!) that it's the best thing for EVERYONE, everywhere... stop leaching-wasting energy, money, time from the actual purposeful and helpful and worthwhile lives of others.
How dreadful must it be for a therapist to discover that a patient/client/number has not survived the night?
Even for the ones i've never liked or got on with i have ALWAYS kept that pretty close to the front of my mind in times of pitch black.
Just now?
i kind of wish i had met my 1to1 person through a different means.
The woman IMMEDIATELY PRIOR to her was similar with my thoughts in that respect but this time it is different yet again.
It wouldn't be quite right to say I'd hated anyone before but i sure did feel like a number. i never felt able to talk about things that perhaps i have realised now have become SO buried because of this (and other things -the brain is pretty amazing! I buried and I MEAN VOOMPH removed entire people from my head! MORE THAN ONE?!!! Just to get through the day! Wow!! The brain is truly amazing!)
<so wait! Maybe i shouldn't unpick? DO I NEED TO? SHOULD I?!>
For once, i feel safe enough to talk about things. Bad things.
New bad things.
The things that have had me be physically sick since starting group therapy and that sort of unlocking the things my brain had to cleverly buried.
So if i feel safe enough, and these many new things are rising to the surface of my brain mishmash...
but i don't want to throw them onto her or the folk in the group -everyone has their own struggles, i KNOW this...they also have WAY MORE worthwhile stuff and more of a chance to do something in this world for the better. i am just a waster/loser/leach/whatever.
i was always sad but glad that Sam was physically far away.
i wasn't able to completely drown her with the tar that surrounds me.
i don't know what to do.
