my head is bursting and my heart's not far from it too...had a difficult week thus far...
I can see how easy it would be to fall back on my own coping mechanisms that were ridiculous and self-destructive...I say I can see...it's too late for that...
Sunday, 30 September 2012
Saturday, 29 September 2012
*MASSIVELY TRIGGERING* if the last thing I stumbled upon online was a BOMB...this is my Chernobyl
I was not r*p#d. I have come to realise that there is a huge difference between r*p# and what happened to me.
"Childhood s#xu*l ab*s£" is what they call it.
I wrote the following when I was about 18. (today, I am 27)
*****
So…where to begin? Well maybe I could explain why I am writing this. Or maybe it would be best to say what I am going to write.
The latter is too difficult to put into only a few words, so instead you will have to read this in its entirety. Sorry. As for my reason? Well…my self harming has gotten a LOT worse recently, so I feel the need to ‘release’ my, clearly pent-up emotions and all of the thoughts and feelings that I cannot express verbally.
What are the main events in your life? In mine, there have been few. I was born in 1984 on November the 5th. My first memory is (as for plenty of folk) a happy one. It was my fifth birthday and I had met my Australian cousins for the first time in my life and we were out the back garden with sparklers. It was a fantastic day.
Where are we now? Oh yes, November 5th 1989. I have no more memories that are vivid. I have no more memories from which I can recall exact dates. And, to be blunt, I have no more happy memories as a child.
[this is me the 27 year old inserting into here that it wasn't that there were no happy memories in my childhood -there were millions with my family and friends- rather that they are all often eclipsed by...well...you'll catch it in a sec]
Sometime during the summer of 1990/1 (can't be sure which) there was a thunderstorm on a Friday night. I was staying over with my best friend. We had had a fabulous day. I remember playing ‘school’ were I was the teacher. I remember when my pupil was bad or got an answer wrong I would give her into trouble the way my teacher would have done had I been in the same situation. We also played ‘Doctors and nurses’ and I remember having a broken arm –which, incidentally, I have never had.
‘Doctors and nurses’ was never the same game after that night. Neither was ‘school’. Why was ‘Doctors and nurses’ different? We’ll get back to that…maybe…
As for ‘school’…after that night, I took every opportunity to hit her when she ‘misbehaved’ in class. Every time I saw her; I saw him. Every time I saw him, I felt numb.
Who is he? You may want to know. He is my reason for wanting to crawl into a hole and die most days. My reason for being so scared of males. My reason for having panic attacks when left alone in a confined space with a male. He, was my best friend’s big brother.
I looked up to him. He could play the guitar –which I have tried to but fail miserably. He could sing. Also, he could do both –AT THE SAME TIME! We would sit in their garden and sing while he played guitar. It was excellent!
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Thunder woke me. I got out of my pal’s bed (we were top-to-toe). I went into the toilet. Then it dawned on me –she wasn’t in the bed when I got up. In a dreamy-daze I went into the room directly opposite the toilet. I don’t know what possessed me to do so, but I did.
I saw a bundle of clothes on the floor. Another messy pile by the wardrobe. And only the light from the toilet crept into the room.
I froze.
She was in bed with her him. Her big brother. They were cuddling –something our family rarely did/still do not. What they were doing – I’ll never know. Whether she was scared from the thunder claps and just needed a hug, I do not know for sure. However, the events that followed do not allow me to believe that.
She jumped out of bed and ran through the door. She didn’t even look at me.
I remained glued to the spot.
He shut the door quietly and…
I have never told or written about what happened next…
Like I said before, I have no clear memories. But I have had flashbacks of that night. They have helped me to fill in the blanks and lead me to believe that I dreamed it and made it up and that I’m crazy.
Maybe I AM crazy. We are all products of circumstance –so they say.
Maybe, if people hadn’t betrayed my trust and told me they believed me, then maybe, just maybe, I’d be sane.
Lightning sporadically filled the room. That was the only time I could see anything. And that is how the flashbacks come –in short, sharp bursts.
Me, being led to the bed. Me, sitting down and saying nothing. My top being lifted off me. Me, being pushed to lie down. Him, removing his bottoms. Him climbing over me, to lie down beside me, in at the wall.
All the while I do not utter a sound –so I must have liked it. Dirty, rotten, evil, spoiled, filthy, little bad girl. She deserved it. I hate her. I hate the fact that she didn’t tell anyone the next day, or week, or month. Or ever until eight years later. Stupid cow.
A hand. On my stomach. Then on my chest, squeezing. Harder.
Pain. But still no sounds escape my mouth.
Confusion. He’s my friend so it can’t be bad or wrong.
Silence.
The hand moves to my face. It turns my head round. Stops me from facing the ceiling or looking out of the window. Makes me look at him. His expressionless face. No smile. Just a face. One that will remain freeze-framed in my head. Even now I can still see it. I think it will haunt me forever.
He kisses me. It was horrible. I remember a shiver shooting up my back. I guess that’s why, unlike my old friends at school, I was in no rush to kiss anyone else. They saw it as fun, some made it into a game; but for me, it was not nice. I did not associate it with happiness. I thought it was, like me, filthy. To this day I still think that way.
He was my friend, but everything changed that night. I never considered anyone to be a friend after that night. I no longer looked forward to weekends –I dreaded them. Knowing I’d stay at her house, have to behave ‘normally’ in front of their parents, but eventually, night would fall and the fun would be over. Fear would set in. Panic, even. But not once did I say “no” or ask for help. Did I ask for it then???
His hand moved slowly, lower and lower. Another shiver. More pain. But not mentally this time. Oh no. I wish. But my wishes are never granted.
Why did I return there week after week? I do not know. That fact coupled with my never speaking out leads me to believe that I did ask for it. That I wanted it…but I did not. Did I?
Something brushed against my leg. But…but his hands were on my body. I couldn’t understand.
That reminds me that I was a child. An innocent little girl who did not deserve to find out how harsh and cruel some things that go on in the world are, at age 6.
But it happened…such is life.
So…yes, it was his penis. He took my hand and put it on it. I could feel it throbbing. He closed my hand around it. It was weird. Boney and thin. Another shiver. I don’t know how long we lay like that…too long…
I don’t know if that was all on the one night. I doubt it. All of my ‘memories’/nightmares and flashbacks have sort of manifested themselves into this one, long, horror-filled night that refuses to come to an end.
Rubbing up and down and up and down. And I don’t know what this is achieving. And I have no clue why he is making these noises. Quiet, too awful for words.
His thing. Inside me.
Definitely not the same night. I don’t think this night happened until I was about 8. but I can’t be sure.
His thing. Moving?
His thing...was alive?
Another shiver. But not from that night. I was numb then. But now, I can still feel him inside me. And it is…horrible. It makes me shake my head and shiver.
And, occasionally, shake.
As I am just now.
Shaking and shivers are never a good combination, especially not when my muscles tense up on top of that.
I remember him removing himself from me and ‘finishing’ the job himself.
But I also remember a few times (I don’t know how many) when he didn’t.
The first time I felt sticky, and gooey I went calmly to the toilet, and threw up.
After that I just got used to it I guess. Which leads me back to thinking that I liked, wanted and asked for it. That’s what everyone else thinks. Why else would I have returned time and again? It couldn’t possibly have had anything to do with the fact that I was just a little girl who did not know any different…oh no…I WANTED it –or at least, that’s what everyone else thinks.
Pain. In my stomach. I guess everything’s connected.
But pain, high in my tummy? I didn’t and still don’t understand that. And I will never ask.
I hate him.
Why? Because now, even when I touch anyone, it hurts. In a way that words will never be able to describe.
Even with the people I’m supposed to only feel love from.
Only one person doesn’t hurt me.
That CAN’T be a good sign.
It’s taken almost two months to write what I have so far. I knew it was going to be difficult, but this is gruelling!
I love skin-to-skin contact. And only recently discovered I could hold hands with someone without wanting to scream. Instead, I just want to cry. But not because it hurts; because it feels good.
I hate that the one person that I could talk to makes me feel SO happy that I cannot stop smiling when she’s there.
Thus, I can’t talk about evil and nasty things either.
Besides, I could never say words that would hurt her –she’s too precious. She’s my star. My angel. My friend.
“Too much time alone” – I just know that’s what they are thinking! They mightn’t say it, but I know that’s what they’re thinking.
Just now I am in hospital, writing and thinking, and let’s not forget –panicking!
I tried to call “Breathing Space” just to talk about talking about things, you know?
The nurses in here are ace –random, I know!
“You cannot blame him” … “It wasn’t his fault” … “You don’t know what he went through” … “He was only a child”
Then what did that make me? I figured that out when I was 14 –negligible.
“You cannot blame him” … “It wasn’t his fault” … “You don’t know what he went through” … “He was only a child”
I hear this every time I feel sad about my past. Then the sadness turns to anger and I want to punch someone. But I have no one to punch. I have no one. So, instead, I hurt myself. When I was 13 it was only ever with things in my pencil case. I remember using a rubber in my mathematics class and looking out of the window and seeing him with several girls, laughing and smiling. So I put my hand onto my lap and rubbed furiously with the eraser. I did that until the bell rang, which, fortunately wasn’t too long because it didn’t bleed. But it did hurt like hell!
It’s amazing how a small change in a situation can alter the way in which a person leads their life. Perhaps if the person who sat beside me in maths class had not been off sick I would not have hurt myself. Maybe if I had been seated at the front of the class, on the opposite side of the room from the window, I wouldn’t have been able to see him. It is also possible that had I been seated in the middle row and noticed him, I would have started to hurt myself but a classmate would have noticed and I would not have continued…or maybe, if my teacher had noticed, they could have talked to me, or asked that I be referred to someone for help –urgently– and given proper help and I would have never hurt myself intentionally again. If anything other than what has happened had happened then maybe, just maybe, I would be a happier, less scarred (no, it’s NOT a typo) person.
Of all the people with whom I have come into contact, very few have been decent human beings. That, to this day, is still true. The majority of nurses have been amazing people; I think you have to be, to do a job like that. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Doctors. I can honest-to-God count on one hand the number of nice Doctors that I have met. Sure, I know it’s bound to be a difficult job, and also psychology is a difficult area, it involves a lot of guess-work but…
~~
that's all I have so far.I have it in my mind just now that my purpose in life is to write a novel.I would love to do that, even if no one bought it -I wouldn't care.
Does that make sense? Does any of this make sense?
"Childhood s#xu*l ab*s£" is what they call it.
I wrote the following when I was about 18. (today, I am 27)
*****
So…where to begin? Well maybe I could explain why I am writing this. Or maybe it would be best to say what I am going to write.
The latter is too difficult to put into only a few words, so instead you will have to read this in its entirety. Sorry. As for my reason? Well…my self harming has gotten a LOT worse recently, so I feel the need to ‘release’ my, clearly pent-up emotions and all of the thoughts and feelings that I cannot express verbally.
What are the main events in your life? In mine, there have been few. I was born in 1984 on November the 5th. My first memory is (as for plenty of folk) a happy one. It was my fifth birthday and I had met my Australian cousins for the first time in my life and we were out the back garden with sparklers. It was a fantastic day.
Where are we now? Oh yes, November 5th 1989. I have no more memories that are vivid. I have no more memories from which I can recall exact dates. And, to be blunt, I have no more happy memories as a child.
[this is me the 27 year old inserting into here that it wasn't that there were no happy memories in my childhood -there were millions with my family and friends- rather that they are all often eclipsed by...well...you'll catch it in a sec]
Sometime during the summer of 1990/1 (can't be sure which) there was a thunderstorm on a Friday night. I was staying over with my best friend. We had had a fabulous day. I remember playing ‘school’ were I was the teacher. I remember when my pupil was bad or got an answer wrong I would give her into trouble the way my teacher would have done had I been in the same situation. We also played ‘Doctors and nurses’ and I remember having a broken arm –which, incidentally, I have never had.
‘Doctors and nurses’ was never the same game after that night. Neither was ‘school’. Why was ‘Doctors and nurses’ different? We’ll get back to that…maybe…
As for ‘school’…after that night, I took every opportunity to hit her when she ‘misbehaved’ in class. Every time I saw her; I saw him. Every time I saw him, I felt numb.
Who is he? You may want to know. He is my reason for wanting to crawl into a hole and die most days. My reason for being so scared of males. My reason for having panic attacks when left alone in a confined space with a male. He, was my best friend’s big brother.
I looked up to him. He could play the guitar –which I have tried to but fail miserably. He could sing. Also, he could do both –AT THE SAME TIME! We would sit in their garden and sing while he played guitar. It was excellent!
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Thunder woke me. I got out of my pal’s bed (we were top-to-toe). I went into the toilet. Then it dawned on me –she wasn’t in the bed when I got up. In a dreamy-daze I went into the room directly opposite the toilet. I don’t know what possessed me to do so, but I did.
I saw a bundle of clothes on the floor. Another messy pile by the wardrobe. And only the light from the toilet crept into the room.
I froze.
She was in bed with her him. Her big brother. They were cuddling –something our family rarely did/still do not. What they were doing – I’ll never know. Whether she was scared from the thunder claps and just needed a hug, I do not know for sure. However, the events that followed do not allow me to believe that.
She jumped out of bed and ran through the door. She didn’t even look at me.
I remained glued to the spot.
He shut the door quietly and…
I have never told or written about what happened next…
Like I said before, I have no clear memories. But I have had flashbacks of that night. They have helped me to fill in the blanks and lead me to believe that I dreamed it and made it up and that I’m crazy.
Maybe I AM crazy. We are all products of circumstance –so they say.
Maybe, if people hadn’t betrayed my trust and told me they believed me, then maybe, just maybe, I’d be sane.
Lightning sporadically filled the room. That was the only time I could see anything. And that is how the flashbacks come –in short, sharp bursts.
Me, being led to the bed. Me, sitting down and saying nothing. My top being lifted off me. Me, being pushed to lie down. Him, removing his bottoms. Him climbing over me, to lie down beside me, in at the wall.
All the while I do not utter a sound –so I must have liked it. Dirty, rotten, evil, spoiled, filthy, little bad girl. She deserved it. I hate her. I hate the fact that she didn’t tell anyone the next day, or week, or month. Or ever until eight years later. Stupid cow.
A hand. On my stomach. Then on my chest, squeezing. Harder.
Pain. But still no sounds escape my mouth.
Confusion. He’s my friend so it can’t be bad or wrong.
Silence.
The hand moves to my face. It turns my head round. Stops me from facing the ceiling or looking out of the window. Makes me look at him. His expressionless face. No smile. Just a face. One that will remain freeze-framed in my head. Even now I can still see it. I think it will haunt me forever.
He kisses me. It was horrible. I remember a shiver shooting up my back. I guess that’s why, unlike my old friends at school, I was in no rush to kiss anyone else. They saw it as fun, some made it into a game; but for me, it was not nice. I did not associate it with happiness. I thought it was, like me, filthy. To this day I still think that way.
He was my friend, but everything changed that night. I never considered anyone to be a friend after that night. I no longer looked forward to weekends –I dreaded them. Knowing I’d stay at her house, have to behave ‘normally’ in front of their parents, but eventually, night would fall and the fun would be over. Fear would set in. Panic, even. But not once did I say “no” or ask for help. Did I ask for it then???
His hand moved slowly, lower and lower. Another shiver. More pain. But not mentally this time. Oh no. I wish. But my wishes are never granted.
Why did I return there week after week? I do not know. That fact coupled with my never speaking out leads me to believe that I did ask for it. That I wanted it…but I did not. Did I?
Something brushed against my leg. But…but his hands were on my body. I couldn’t understand.
That reminds me that I was a child. An innocent little girl who did not deserve to find out how harsh and cruel some things that go on in the world are, at age 6.
But it happened…such is life.
So…yes, it was his penis. He took my hand and put it on it. I could feel it throbbing. He closed my hand around it. It was weird. Boney and thin. Another shiver. I don’t know how long we lay like that…too long…
I don’t know if that was all on the one night. I doubt it. All of my ‘memories’/nightmares and flashbacks have sort of manifested themselves into this one, long, horror-filled night that refuses to come to an end.
Rubbing up and down and up and down. And I don’t know what this is achieving. And I have no clue why he is making these noises. Quiet, too awful for words.
His thing. Inside me.
Definitely not the same night. I don’t think this night happened until I was about 8. but I can’t be sure.
His thing. Moving?
His thing...was alive?
Another shiver. But not from that night. I was numb then. But now, I can still feel him inside me. And it is…horrible. It makes me shake my head and shiver.
And, occasionally, shake.
As I am just now.
Shaking and shivers are never a good combination, especially not when my muscles tense up on top of that.
I remember him removing himself from me and ‘finishing’ the job himself.
But I also remember a few times (I don’t know how many) when he didn’t.
The first time I felt sticky, and gooey I went calmly to the toilet, and threw up.
After that I just got used to it I guess. Which leads me back to thinking that I liked, wanted and asked for it. That’s what everyone else thinks. Why else would I have returned time and again? It couldn’t possibly have had anything to do with the fact that I was just a little girl who did not know any different…oh no…I WANTED it –or at least, that’s what everyone else thinks.
Pain. In my stomach. I guess everything’s connected.
But pain, high in my tummy? I didn’t and still don’t understand that. And I will never ask.
I hate him.
Why? Because now, even when I touch anyone, it hurts. In a way that words will never be able to describe.
Even with the people I’m supposed to only feel love from.
Only one person doesn’t hurt me.
That CAN’T be a good sign.
It’s taken almost two months to write what I have so far. I knew it was going to be difficult, but this is gruelling!
I love skin-to-skin contact. And only recently discovered I could hold hands with someone without wanting to scream. Instead, I just want to cry. But not because it hurts; because it feels good.
I hate that the one person that I could talk to makes me feel SO happy that I cannot stop smiling when she’s there.
Thus, I can’t talk about evil and nasty things either.
Besides, I could never say words that would hurt her –she’s too precious. She’s my star. My angel. My friend.
“Too much time alone” – I just know that’s what they are thinking! They mightn’t say it, but I know that’s what they’re thinking.
Just now I am in hospital, writing and thinking, and let’s not forget –panicking!
I tried to call “Breathing Space” just to talk about talking about things, you know?
The nurses in here are ace –random, I know!
“You cannot blame him” … “It wasn’t his fault” … “You don’t know what he went through” … “He was only a child”
Then what did that make me? I figured that out when I was 14 –negligible.
“You cannot blame him” … “It wasn’t his fault” … “You don’t know what he went through” … “He was only a child”
I hear this every time I feel sad about my past. Then the sadness turns to anger and I want to punch someone. But I have no one to punch. I have no one. So, instead, I hurt myself. When I was 13 it was only ever with things in my pencil case. I remember using a rubber in my mathematics class and looking out of the window and seeing him with several girls, laughing and smiling. So I put my hand onto my lap and rubbed furiously with the eraser. I did that until the bell rang, which, fortunately wasn’t too long because it didn’t bleed. But it did hurt like hell!
It’s amazing how a small change in a situation can alter the way in which a person leads their life. Perhaps if the person who sat beside me in maths class had not been off sick I would not have hurt myself. Maybe if I had been seated at the front of the class, on the opposite side of the room from the window, I wouldn’t have been able to see him. It is also possible that had I been seated in the middle row and noticed him, I would have started to hurt myself but a classmate would have noticed and I would not have continued…or maybe, if my teacher had noticed, they could have talked to me, or asked that I be referred to someone for help –urgently– and given proper help and I would have never hurt myself intentionally again. If anything other than what has happened had happened then maybe, just maybe, I would be a happier, less scarred (no, it’s NOT a typo) person.
Of all the people with whom I have come into contact, very few have been decent human beings. That, to this day, is still true. The majority of nurses have been amazing people; I think you have to be, to do a job like that. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Doctors. I can honest-to-God count on one hand the number of nice Doctors that I have met. Sure, I know it’s bound to be a difficult job, and also psychology is a difficult area, it involves a lot of guess-work but…
~~
that's all I have so far.I have it in my mind just now that my purpose in life is to write a novel.I would love to do that, even if no one bought it -I wouldn't care.
Does that make sense? Does any of this make sense?
Friday, 28 September 2012
BOMB from the past... possibly triggering!!
I found an old account I had on a survivor's site and stupidly read my comments....massively MASSIVELY triggering...
***POSSIBLY TRIGGERING***
Posted 11 May 2005 - 01:32 PM
Do I feel guilty? Yes!
I went to a Roman Catholic High School. I went to a school teacher about the abuse. He was still at the school at the time -they wouldn't go near it with a ten-foot barge pole.
I was made to feel like I was making it up.
The policewoman they brought to the school asked me, and I quote:
"do you know what slander is?"
If you cannot forgive on Earth you will not be forgiven by Jesus/God when it comes to 'your time'...what ****! How are we supposed to forgive the people who have made us feel like garbage, even if it was only for a little while (which, for most of us here, is not the case).
I went to a Priest for help when I was feeling like leaving Earth. He told me that God would forgive me if I was too weak to continue..he told me that if I couldn't forgiven someone because what they did was so hideous, God would understand...but then, he also said he would get me help -he didn't.
I often wonder, if I weren't raised a Catholic (as too was my perp. we both went to the same Church and sang in the choir) would I feel half as bad as I do now...???
I take on other people's guilt as well...the worries of my parents -grandad is ill, great aunt too -they won't even talk to me about it, but I know it is some form of cancer; my sister had a baby out of wedlock (WOW!!!) and they won't tell my gran...I think that they (grandparents) think my sister's married; my other sister had a girlfriend for a little while -God forbid anyone would tell our grandparents...it's sacrilegious so they say!!
When I was wee and said I didn't want anymore to eat my mum would always say "think of the poor, starving kids in (wherever was the choice topic in news etc)...they would LOVE to be able to eat this lovely food, but they can't so you will!"
oh and let's not forget primary school (again Roman Catholic) where I decided I was vegetarian at age 7...I was almost mauled by the assistant head teacher because I wouldn't let them put turkey on my Christmas dinner plate...and then, when I gave up and let them put it on it, then 'secretly' binned the meat -oh!!!My parents were called!!!!
A sinner!A sinner!That's what I am!!
Yeah....Roman Catholicism...it's the way to go!!!
(But, I wouldn't give it up for anything!!!)(Weird!)
I'm strangely protective of it, most especially considering the pain it has caused me!!
*******
I was only 20 when I wrote that...
*******
I am completely numb.I hate feeling like this.It's worse than feeling sad or angry or any emotion in the world...
no amount of wound interfering is bringing me out of this numbness.
I know she was only six, but I HATE her.
I KNOW she didn't know any better but I DESPISE her.
She didn't kick or scream or shout.
She didn't even tell anyone the next day.
It took her almost eight years to tell anyone, and she chose the wrong person to share with.
She's a burden on everyone around her and I wish she would just die.
Posted 18 June 2005 - 11:22 PM
I keep finding new ways to hurt me.
Today's is a new low, even for me.
I'm so sad, and angry...I feel like one minute I feel nothing then the next I feel everything.
Am I going crazy?
I self harm when I'm numb so that I feel something, even if it is pain.
And I self harm when I have too many emotions.
I self harm when I'm angry.
I self harm when I'm sad.
I self harm when I'm on my own.
I self harm when I'm surrounded by people, but completely alone.
I self harm when I'm after spending time with nice people because I'm bringing them down and ruining their lives.
I feel like I'm drowning and I shout out to a few people as they pass, but no one tries to save me...or they do, but get tired because the darkness is too dark to find me
Elastic bands.Writing.Busying myself.Hitting something.Going for a walk.....seriously I have exhausted everything.
I have been self harming for almost 10 years now and have been in therapy for almost 6.
Nothing and no one is working.
Weak.I have to hurt me in order to feel anything -even if it is just pain.
I'd prefer that than to feel like this -numb.
When did I completely lose my willpower?
Man, I'm so pathetic.
Posted 02 July 2005 - 12:10 AM
I hurt me.In a multitude of ways.The worse I feel.The less I tell anyone I am in need of support...the more I hurt me..the worse I become and so on ad nauseum....
When I start to hurt me in places that are silly, or start to change my 'normal' habits...it is major cause for concern -ah, but no one is aware.Sometimes not even myself...like two/three days after stopping my steroids because i don't deserve to be well...and then I'll be like...hmm...WHY can't I breathe?Ah, because I don't deserve to be able to breathe.
Posted 01 July 2005 - 11:01 PM
I need to hurt me to know that I am alive; to know that I am human; to know that I can feel something -even if i only pain.
My head hurts.
I am very angry with me.Angry and sad.
And I know only one coping mechanism.
And, hey, it's not the best.
I don't come out the other end unscathed.
i hurt myself to know that i'm real.
there are scars that wont fade but you don't want to deal.
i'm so overwhelmed but you don't understand.
i shout out for help but no one lends a hand
Just let me drown.Alone.As ever.
Posted 02 July 2005 - 08:15 PM
I push everyone away.
I push everyone too far.
Just now I feel like I deserve to be alone.
But boy is it sad.
I remembered why I don't let anyone in...'casue when I do they burn me and leave me..and each new one hurts one hundred times more than the last.
Posted 26 July 2005 - 10:05 PM
Trying my best not to.
I have to though...it evens out the last wee while where I haven't hurt me.
I don't know why I feel the need to hurt me but I do...I really do...I cannot escape it.
Posted 27 July 2005 - 09:29 PM
I want to hurt me
to know that I feel
to what I'm thinking
to know I can feel
I want to hurt me
so badly you see
to find all the things
that are bothering me
I want to hurt me
'cause I do not know
what's making go through
this unending hell
I want to hurt me
to let it all out
stop bottling it up
and instead scream and shout
I don't know why
I feel this way
But the fact is I do
and it's here to stay
Posted 03 August 2005 - 10:43 PM
I HAD to do it.
I upset everyone around me.
I'm not a happy person at the moment.
I hate the fact that I make people sad.
I hate the fact that I bring everyone down.
I hate the fact that I drain those near me.
I hate the fact that I hurt the people I love.
I hate me.
Posted 04 August 2005 - 08:48 PM
I regret having opened my mouth every single day since I did...
why can't I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????
Posted 04 August 2005 - 08:16 PM
Why do some people think it's something I can be snapped out of?
I DON'T do it intentionally; It just kinda happens!
I don't do it to hurt people who love me; I do it to hurt ME!
I am not doing it for attention; there would be more effective ways of getting attention and they would be less painful for all involved.
I have no one to talk to about it...they people I thought I could talk to can no longer be told as I hurt them too much...eventually I'll drain them and be left with no one.
Posted 09 August 2005 - 09:37 PM
What do you do when you've given up all hope?
Who do you turn to when you have no one to turn to?
What do you do when the 'professionals' don't listen?
Where do you go when the Doctors don't believe you aren't happy?
When do you know it's time to leave?
I think it's mine...I'm sorry to post this but I don't know what else to do....I have no one and nothing...No one is listening I feel tremendously alone.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?WHERE SHOULD I GO?CAN I SECTION MYSELF?I DON'T FEEL SAFE WITH ME!!!!!
I feel ridiculous for posting this but I haven't a clue what else to do...I have tried EVERYTHING...I know there is only one way out....I can't stop crying....I hate me for thinking this.....other people are really sick and dying all around me...I wish I could swap places with them and let them have the lives they deserve.
I'm sorry I've been such an embarrassment to the human race..I wish I could have been murdered...I wish I hadn't cut my arms and brought shame to those who meet me ('cause they feel awkward and don't know what to say)
I wish I could have been a great many things and made my parents proud.But I haven't.I'm not.I'm me and I'm not good enough...
immense and overwhelming pain, anguish, fear, hurt and desperation.
I am SO sorry for causing worry for everyone who read this...and that makes me all the worse!!!
I AM SORRY...
I want you, I need you in my life.
Please show me how to keep me safe and how to show your love to those who cannot see it.
Thank you.
Take My Life
How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the sand on the shore
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it once more.
Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
to give it away to You
Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
to give it away to You Jesus
How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the stars in the sky
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it tonight.
My grandad has cancer...I found out from the fact that he is fading away in front of my eyes.
My grandad had a stroke...I found out from my younger cousin.
My great aunt has cancer...again, cousin.
She was put into hospital because of her dementia...it's causing her to be a danger to herself apparently....I found out when I overheard my mother on the phone to her cousin.
My gran has dementia also...It just crept into our lives....I hate to see her like that...I love her so much...it's so unfair.
No one in our family shares anything...I've started sh -ing again....if my mum finds out!!!!I don't want to cause her more worries!!!!I hope she doesn't find out.I can't take anymore tears in the next room...the only way I know how to cope is to hurt me.I know it's illogical to many, but that's the only way I know how to cope.
Mais, c'est la vie.C'est triste, mais c'est la vie!
That they then threw it out of a window and under a bus, then let it drive, reverse and drive over it once more?As if that weren't bad enough a pack of hyenas then eat it and after having done so, laugh at your empty corpse?
Or is that just me?
Why do people hurt other people?
I don't understand it.
I cannot deal with it safely.
And what I do do in order to 'deal' with it, is not effective.
I need knew coping strategies...immediately.
I feel as though I've exhausted everything and everyone around m though....what is left???
I cannot keep me safe when things like that happen.
It's my fault she did it...if I hadn't sh'ed she wouldn't have seen it and so I'm to blame.
I know I hurt a lot of people when I do it and that makes me EVEN worse.It's a vicious circle...I feel bad, so I do it, then feel worse, so then next time has to be worse to make up for the fact that I hurt others, then they hurt more, so I need to too...and so on...
I'm so saddened by that.I feel gutted.Numb.Alone.
He's pretending it's just slipped his mind....I want to cry...
I want to hurt me...I know I shouldn't...it's not logical and all that (jazz)...
I'm trying so hard...but it's overwhelming...
I now understand how alcoholics can fall off the wagon...
I never understood that phrase before now.
That's how I feel 'cause that's how I'm eating, or lack thereof somedays.
I don't understand it.
And now I'm feeling the need to bring back whatever I do eat
...well, actually I no longer feel the need...I used to worry when I
did feel the need...how I wish I could go back to just feeling that
need.
I feel so ashamed to admit this.
I feel like I've let everyone down...I was doing so well...hadn't sh-ed in a good wee while...well, I had done one TINY scratch...but that didn't count.
Neither does this one....not really...sure it bled a lot, but it's just a bunch of tiny scratches....I've had worse in my sleep.
(sadly, just realised how true that is...I'm plagued by nightmares just now)
Anyway...I feel like rubbish for having done it now...all I do is cause worry and upset.
I hate me right now.
I want to hurt me right now.
I'm at work.
I'm not feeling well (I have some sort of flu-type-thing).
I feel sad and angry and alone (though I'm surrounded by people), I have no one to talk to -it's not fair of me to talk to anyone even if i did.
I have spent the last few days fighting to keep my head above the parapet and, well, I guess it's just not working because I feel like I'm drowning.
I have too many decisions to make...I can't make any.
I want to cry, but I can't....so instead, I feel like hurting me.That's illogical, I KNOW that it is...and yet I STILL feel like hurting me.
I hate feeling so much of everything...I feel; overwhelmed with everything and the slightest thing throws me further into this darkness I have yet again allowed myself to sink into.
I'm not safe from me!!!!!!!
I am moaning so I'll say no more.
I hurt me on Friday morning (i couldn't -and didn't- sleep, it was really early in the morning)...It was all I could do to not do something worse.
I went to the GP again today (now Monday) and they said they'd call and ask for an urgent appointment...I don't know what I expect from these people!I feel like a waste of space.I waste everybody's time.
The Dr. asked to see my arm.Then sent me to the treatment room to get it dressed...well!!!!
I've never felt like more of an inconvenience in my life!!!
She made it as painful as possible and didn't care because she believed I'd do it again and I just felt like a waster.
am too ashamed to speak to anyone in real life about this.
I want to eat...but I can't let me...I don't deserve food...well, that's my logic.
I don't know what to do anymore...I don't know what to do...who to talk to...who to trust...It safest if I trust no one...That'd be a sad existence, but I'd be safe...no, actually I wouldn't..I'd be worse off...unfortunately, I have no alternative..
Someone at work, basically, told on me for self-harming...they think i'm a hazard to the kids...I think they think that because I hurt me, I must want to hurt them...i don't understand their logic...but then, they don't understand mine.
I was asked if I self-harmed..I was given advice numbers to call...don't they think I've tried that?I can't talk to strangers anyway...it doesn't work for me...I just worry about the burden I am causing a TOTAL stranger...even just as i type this I am aware of the fact that there are people with enough to deal with without me and my nonsense...and for that I apologise...
I think work are being really polite and asking me to leave without actually asking me...I think they're worried if they fire me I'll do something really serious...you know??Maybe I should leave and save them the bother/burden??
I don't know what to d or think or what to say and to whom...
I think my head may explode...I hope it does.
I haven't explained nearly some of what I wished to..perhaps I'll add to this later..
I have to go now though
Okay, so the title isn't quite true, but it is....where I live it is a mixed area of Protestants and Catholics, but I remember being battered to bits for being a Catholic at age 7 during the split second I was alone in my neighbourhood.
So I never really liked Protestants because they didn't like me!Life was simple because every Protestant I came into contact with would make it clear that they disliked me, which made it easier for me to dislike them.
But I recently started a new job and have met a HUGE variety of people some of whom are just fantastic!I never thought about religion at all when getting to know them because the job occupied all of our time and thoughts.I just enjoyed everybody's company and allowed myself to see the good in every one of them.
Then I really 'clicked' with one of the girls and we (I believe) clicked on every level you can with another person.And we got to talking about religion and she spoke highly of her Church (as did I) and we agreed to go to my Church then hers straight after it last Sunday.
Well...IT WAS FABULOUS...my kind of place.Being with someone I care about and feeling part of something (which I have never felt before!)
It was FANTASTIC!!!!
I intend to go back.
A new Church was being opened last night, we went to the opening concert and it was ace too...I felt like everything made sense (there have been a lot of things in Catholicism I haven't thought to be fitting with my beliefs)
Then, afterwards (a bit of an afterthought on my part really) I heard one of the girls say the word Protestant and it dawned on me that that was the kind of Church I was in and that the people were AMAZING and that I wanted to belong to them...
But my parents (and entire family for that matter, are Catholic)...and it will be a problem, I'm sure it will...I know it will.
My head is spinning with 5million thoughts...it has been for a while...and now I have another million...
For the first month or so I would go through days where I did not eat at all, and when I did, it was not much.
I can now no longer eat without being -purposefully- sick.
I am looking at calorie contents -something I had NEVER known existed,let alone taken notice of previously!Then I remember that there is no point in looking at calorie contents as I am going to throw it up anyway.
I have no idea what to do.
No one is listening/noticing.
Thank God for my friend who is so supportive I don't think I'd even be caring about this if it weren't for the fact that she is in my life.
i feel ...awful...
that's me being polite...
sorry for burdening you all woth this...
i don't know what to do anymore...
i can't stop crying...
i've given up...
again...
i hate being like this...
it's a long long story and i can't find words just now and don't know if i can tell some of it on here as i can't get kicked off if i do i'll have nothing...but i need a wee bit of help.Please.
Someone must know where I can get help in Scotland.Please.
I've been self harming for 10 years now.When I told a teacher what happened to me in the past and she promised she wouldn't tell but did and then social workers told my mum when i was at school and then i wouldn't talk to my mum coz i couldn't and i made her cry and that was the first time i hurt me.
The cycle I've been in for the last 10 years is that I've been to GP they send me to psychiatrist for assessment they take three weeks to meet with other people and then send me a letter to say they can't help me.Then I go back to the GP and they say to see a psychologist which I've done for the 10 years on and off.They were all more detrimental to me than helpful.I saw one once a week for two years and tried so hard as the GP said it takes time and effort and i know that but they think i didn't try but i did because i stayed at the same one for 2 years.i tried.they think i didn't.they talk about me behind my back.to the other people i've been to and to other doctors.probably to their friends talking about the wee lying girl that came in that day.
they all think i'm lying.otherwise why will they not help me???
the only conclusion which i can draw is that i must've been Hitler in a previous life otherwise i would get help but no one will help me...
urgh...now all sense has left my head so i will shut up...
I'm not coping very well...I haven't been coping well for quite some time now.
I'll say no more as I don't want to upset you.I don't want to upset anyone.I don't mean to upset people.
I read posts about being too graphic in this sub forum and I feel like they were aimed completely at me...I'm worried sick about it..I'm worried sick about everything and everyone.
I don't want to say anything else because I don't want to cause upset but I'm not coping well...at all...
I need help and no one will help me.
I have no friends and can't stand anything anymore..
and now i can't see tomorrow
My girlfriend -and she is my only friend- well she was.She has decided it would be best for us not have a relationship anymore...
My grandad died 12hours ago..
My gran is a wee lost soul without him (she has dementia and isn't retaining the fact that he is gone)
My mum is trying to help her and is staying with gran tonight..
I'm in the house with just my dad -who is basically reliving the death of his parents..
Both of my sisters are expecting and one already has a 4 year old -both of them are in messy relationships..
I have no friends and my family have enough things just now I am a burden on everyone around me and everyone farther afield (i.e. you reading this post)..
my grandad is dead and all i can think is...
well, we know which sub-forum we're in.. [IT WAS SELF-INJURY]
My heart is breaking for my gran -she's all alone now...and doesn't understand.
I managed to sing the psalm and was really strong..until I came back down into the congregation...then I fell to pieces..
The worst part however is that they told me my birth mother was Bea Smith from "Prisoner Cell Block H"!!!!!
I cried for an hour the day she was killed in a prison riot.I was really angry with the prison officers on that show (who I believed were really prison officers) for having shipped my 'mother' off to Barnhurst where she met a tragic end!!!!
I believed she had to give me up because she was a murderer and it was (as my brother and sisters told me) "the best thing for me"! I also believed my real father was later killed by her because he let my sister die...man, no wonder I'm so crazy I HONESTLY believed this for 5 years!!!!
Since my father went along with this charade and my mum refused to comment, I believed this until I was 11. Siblings, eh?!!
*To this day I am STILL completely obsessed with Val Lehman -the actress who played Bea.*
***POSSIBLY TRIGGERING***
Posted 11 May 2005 - 01:32 PM
Do I feel guilty? Yes!
I went to a Roman Catholic High School. I went to a school teacher about the abuse. He was still at the school at the time -they wouldn't go near it with a ten-foot barge pole.
I was made to feel like I was making it up.
The policewoman they brought to the school asked me, and I quote:
"do you know what slander is?"
If you cannot forgive on Earth you will not be forgiven by Jesus/God when it comes to 'your time'...what ****! How are we supposed to forgive the people who have made us feel like garbage, even if it was only for a little while (which, for most of us here, is not the case).
I went to a Priest for help when I was feeling like leaving Earth. He told me that God would forgive me if I was too weak to continue..he told me that if I couldn't forgiven someone because what they did was so hideous, God would understand...but then, he also said he would get me help -he didn't.
I often wonder, if I weren't raised a Catholic (as too was my perp. we both went to the same Church and sang in the choir) would I feel half as bad as I do now...???
I take on other people's guilt as well...the worries of my parents -grandad is ill, great aunt too -they won't even talk to me about it, but I know it is some form of cancer; my sister had a baby out of wedlock (WOW!!!) and they won't tell my gran...I think that they (grandparents) think my sister's married; my other sister had a girlfriend for a little while -God forbid anyone would tell our grandparents...it's sacrilegious so they say!!
When I was wee and said I didn't want anymore to eat my mum would always say "think of the poor, starving kids in (wherever was the choice topic in news etc)...they would LOVE to be able to eat this lovely food, but they can't so you will!"
oh and let's not forget primary school (again Roman Catholic) where I decided I was vegetarian at age 7...I was almost mauled by the assistant head teacher because I wouldn't let them put turkey on my Christmas dinner plate...and then, when I gave up and let them put it on it, then 'secretly' binned the meat -oh!!!My parents were called!!!!
A sinner!A sinner!That's what I am!!
Yeah....Roman Catholicism...it's the way to go!!!
(But, I wouldn't give it up for anything!!!)(Weird!)
I'm strangely protective of it, most especially considering the pain it has caused me!!
*******
I was only 20 when I wrote that...
*******
Posted 17 June 2005 - 10:54 PM
I have to hurt me.I want so badly to hurt me right now.I hate what
I see all the time.I hate what haunts me every day of my life and has
done for almost 7 years...since the day I realised what happened
shouldn't have.I am completely numb.I hate feeling like this.It's worse than feeling sad or angry or any emotion in the world...
no amount of wound interfering is bringing me out of this numbness.
Posted 17 June 2005 - 11:01 PM
I hate her.I know she was only six, but I HATE her.
I KNOW she didn't know any better but I DESPISE her.
She didn't kick or scream or shout.
She didn't even tell anyone the next day.
It took her almost eight years to tell anyone, and she chose the wrong person to share with.
She's a burden on everyone around her and I wish she would just die.
Posted 18 June 2005 - 11:22 PM
I keep finding new ways to hurt me.
Today's is a new low, even for me.
I'm so sad, and angry...I feel like one minute I feel nothing then the next I feel everything.
Am I going crazy?
I self harm when I'm numb so that I feel something, even if it is pain.
And I self harm when I have too many emotions.
I self harm when I'm angry.
I self harm when I'm sad.
I self harm when I'm on my own.
I self harm when I'm surrounded by people, but completely alone.
I self harm when I'm after spending time with nice people because I'm bringing them down and ruining their lives.
I feel like I'm drowning and I shout out to a few people as they pass, but no one tries to save me...or they do, but get tired because the darkness is too dark to find me
Posted 22 June 2005 - 09:57 PM
I have tried EVERYTHING.I kid you not.Elastic bands.Writing.Busying myself.Hitting something.Going for a walk.....seriously I have exhausted everything.
I have been self harming for almost 10 years now and have been in therapy for almost 6.
Nothing and no one is working.
Posted 29 June 2005 - 12:22 AM
I feel like such a ...I don't know.Words fail me.I guess failure wouldn't be too far away from how I'm feeling.Weak.I have to hurt me in order to feel anything -even if it is just pain.
I'd prefer that than to feel like this -numb.
When did I completely lose my willpower?
Man, I'm so pathetic.
Posted 02 July 2005 - 12:10 AM
I hurt me.In a multitude of ways.The worse I feel.The less I tell anyone I am in need of support...the more I hurt me..the worse I become and so on ad nauseum....
When I start to hurt me in places that are silly, or start to change my 'normal' habits...it is major cause for concern -ah, but no one is aware.Sometimes not even myself...like two/three days after stopping my steroids because i don't deserve to be well...and then I'll be like...hmm...WHY can't I breathe?Ah, because I don't deserve to be able to breathe.
Posted 01 July 2005 - 11:01 PM
I need to hurt me to know that I am alive; to know that I am human; to know that I can feel something -even if i only pain.
My head hurts.
I am very angry with me.Angry and sad.
And I know only one coping mechanism.
And, hey, it's not the best.
I don't come out the other end unscathed.
i hurt myself to know that i'm real.
there are scars that wont fade but you don't want to deal.
i'm so overwhelmed but you don't understand.
i shout out for help but no one lends a hand
Just let me drown.Alone.As ever.
Posted 02 July 2005 - 08:15 PM
I push everyone away.
I push everyone too far.
Just now I feel like I deserve to be alone.
But boy is it sad.
I remembered why I don't let anyone in...'casue when I do they burn me and leave me..and each new one hurts one hundred times more than the last.
Posted 26 July 2005 - 10:05 PM
Trying my best not to.
I have to though...it evens out the last wee while where I haven't hurt me.
I don't know why I feel the need to hurt me but I do...I really do...I cannot escape it.
Posted 27 July 2005 - 09:29 PM
I want to hurt me
to know that I feel
to what I'm thinking
to know I can feel
I want to hurt me
so badly you see
to find all the things
that are bothering me
I want to hurt me
'cause I do not know
what's making go through
this unending hell
I want to hurt me
to let it all out
stop bottling it up
and instead scream and shout
I don't know why
I feel this way
But the fact is I do
and it's here to stay
Posted 03 August 2005 - 10:43 PM
I HAD to do it.
I upset everyone around me.
I'm not a happy person at the moment.
I hate the fact that I make people sad.
I hate the fact that I bring everyone down.
I hate the fact that I drain those near me.
I hate the fact that I hurt the people I love.
I hate me.
Posted 04 August 2005 - 08:48 PM
I regret having opened my mouth every single day since I did...
why can't I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????
Posted 04 August 2005 - 08:16 PM
Why do some people think it's something I can be snapped out of?
I DON'T do it intentionally; It just kinda happens!
I don't do it to hurt people who love me; I do it to hurt ME!
I am not doing it for attention; there would be more effective ways of getting attention and they would be less painful for all involved.
I have no one to talk to about it...they people I thought I could talk to can no longer be told as I hurt them too much...eventually I'll drain them and be left with no one.
Posted 09 August 2005 - 09:37 PM
What do you do when you've given up all hope?
Who do you turn to when you have no one to turn to?
What do you do when the 'professionals' don't listen?
Where do you go when the Doctors don't believe you aren't happy?
When do you know it's time to leave?
I think it's mine...I'm sorry to post this but I don't know what else to do....I have no one and nothing...No one is listening I feel tremendously alone.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?WHERE SHOULD I GO?CAN I SECTION MYSELF?I DON'T FEEL SAFE WITH ME!!!!!
I feel ridiculous for posting this but I haven't a clue what else to do...I have tried EVERYTHING...I know there is only one way out....I can't stop crying....I hate me for thinking this.....other people are really sick and dying all around me...I wish I could swap places with them and let them have the lives they deserve.
I'm sorry I've been such an embarrassment to the human race..I wish I could have been murdered...I wish I hadn't cut my arms and brought shame to those who meet me ('cause they feel awkward and don't know what to say)
I wish I could have been a great many things and made my parents proud.But I haven't.I'm not.I'm me and I'm not good enough...
immense and overwhelming pain, anguish, fear, hurt and desperation.
Posted 10 August 2005 - 12:48 PM
I will not do anything silly I just think I will...does that make sense?I am SO sorry for causing worry for everyone who read this...and that makes me all the worse!!!
I AM SORRY...
Posted 13 August 2005 - 12:23 PM
Dear God,I want you, I need you in my life.
Please show me how to keep me safe and how to show your love to those who cannot see it.
Thank you.
Posted 16 August 2005 - 09:15 PM
I feel everything and nothing just now.I hate feeling like
this.I'd rather feel anything other than this!!!!I guess that's why I sh
sometimes...because I'd quite gladly feel pain rather than this
nothingness.
Posted 17 August 2005 - 09:50 PM
Third DayTake My Life
How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the sand on the shore
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it once more.
Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
to give it away to You
Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
to give it away to You Jesus
How many times have I turned away
The number is the same as the stars in the sky
But every time You've taken me back
And now I pray You do it tonight.
Posted 24 August 2005 - 09:55 PM
My dad had a stroke...I found out because I was awake when my dad
thought I was sleeping and he was on the phone to someone and telling
them.My grandad has cancer...I found out from the fact that he is fading away in front of my eyes.
My grandad had a stroke...I found out from my younger cousin.
My great aunt has cancer...again, cousin.
She was put into hospital because of her dementia...it's causing her to be a danger to herself apparently....I found out when I overheard my mother on the phone to her cousin.
My gran has dementia also...It just crept into our lives....I hate to see her like that...I love her so much...it's so unfair.
No one in our family shares anything...I've started sh -ing again....if my mum finds out!!!!I don't want to cause her more worries!!!!I hope she doesn't find out.I can't take anymore tears in the next room...the only way I know how to cope is to hurt me.I know it's illogical to many, but that's the only way I know how to cope.
Mais, c'est la vie.C'est triste, mais c'est la vie!
Posted 24 August 2005 - 09:05 PM
Right now, I am so tempted to cut. I've not done it for a long while. I could do it now if I wanted. I need to stop myself... I just don't know how.
Posted 25 August 2005 - 11:45 AM
I cut last night... a lot... it felt good though... now I just have to work on hiding it. *sighs*
Posted 28 August 2005 - 10:07 PM
Ever felt like your heart has been ripped out by someone?That they then threw it out of a window and under a bus, then let it drive, reverse and drive over it once more?As if that weren't bad enough a pack of hyenas then eat it and after having done so, laugh at your empty corpse?
Or is that just me?
Why do people hurt other people?
I don't understand it.
I cannot deal with it safely.
And what I do do in order to 'deal' with it, is not effective.
I need knew coping strategies...immediately.
I feel as though I've exhausted everything and everyone around m though....what is left???
Posted 29 August 2005 - 06:30 PM
My mum just guilt-tripped me with a lack of speech when she saw my
arm and a big sigh (you all know the one I'm talking about).I cannot keep me safe when things like that happen.
It's my fault she did it...if I hadn't sh'ed she wouldn't have seen it and so I'm to blame.
I know I hurt a lot of people when I do it and that makes me EVEN worse.It's a vicious circle...I feel bad, so I do it, then feel worse, so then next time has to be worse to make up for the fact that I hurt others, then they hurt more, so I need to too...and so on...
Posted 29 August 2005 - 08:23 PM
My dad had a stroke a couple of weeks ago.He came into the room
when I was on the computer listening to my music..He couldn't remember a
song we used to sing, the one that was on in the room...I'm so saddened by that.I feel gutted.Numb.Alone.
He's pretending it's just slipped his mind....I want to cry...
I want to hurt me...I know I shouldn't...it's not logical and all that (jazz)...
I'm trying so hard...but it's overwhelming...
I now understand how alcoholics can fall off the wagon...
I never understood that phrase before now.
Posted 01 September 2005 - 08:34 PM
EVER FEEL LIKE YOU ARE A YO-YO?That's how I feel 'cause that's how I'm eating, or lack thereof somedays.
I don't understand it.
And now I'm feeling the need to bring back whatever I do eat
...well, actually I no longer feel the need...I used to worry when I
did feel the need...how I wish I could go back to just feeling that
need. I feel so ashamed to admit this.
Posted 01 September 2005 - 08:53 PM
I feel like I've let everyone down...I was doing so well...hadn't sh-ed in a good wee while...well, I had done one TINY scratch...but that didn't count.
Neither does this one....not really...sure it bled a lot, but it's just a bunch of tiny scratches....I've had worse in my sleep.
(sadly, just realised how true that is...I'm plagued by nightmares just now)
Anyway...I feel like rubbish for having done it now...all I do is cause worry and upset.
I hate me right now.
Posted 05 September 2005 - 02:20 PM
I really don't know how to keep me safe from me.I want to hurt me right now.
I'm at work.
I'm not feeling well (I have some sort of flu-type-thing).
I feel sad and angry and alone (though I'm surrounded by people), I have no one to talk to -it's not fair of me to talk to anyone even if i did.
I have spent the last few days fighting to keep my head above the parapet and, well, I guess it's just not working because I feel like I'm drowning.
I have too many decisions to make...I can't make any.
I want to cry, but I can't....so instead, I feel like hurting me.That's illogical, I KNOW that it is...and yet I STILL feel like hurting me.
I hate feeling so much of everything...I feel; overwhelmed with everything and the slightest thing throws me further into this darkness I have yet again allowed myself to sink into.
I'm not safe from me!!!!!!!
I am moaning so I'll say no more.
Posted 12 September 2005 - 11:17 PM
Went to GP on Wednesday to say that I've been calling my
psychologist for over 3months and she's not been getting back in
touch...I'm not coping well with the slightest of things...so they said
they'd get in touch with them...that they'd call back that
day...ha!!Just as well I didn't hold my breath!!So, by
Friday...well...you can imagine!!I hurt me on Friday morning (i couldn't -and didn't- sleep, it was really early in the morning)...It was all I could do to not do something worse.
I went to the GP again today (now Monday) and they said they'd call and ask for an urgent appointment...I don't know what I expect from these people!I feel like a waste of space.I waste everybody's time.
The Dr. asked to see my arm.Then sent me to the treatment room to get it dressed...well!!!!
I've never felt like more of an inconvenience in my life!!!
She made it as painful as possible and didn't care because she believed I'd do it again and I just felt like a waster.
Posted 31 August 2005 - 07:39 PM
i seem to be powerless to control both eating properly and not cutting at the same time. If i
reduce incidents of si then food-related issues seem to take over, if i
concentrate on battling with eating issues then si becomes more of a
problem. I'm struggling to decide which to address first and am
wondering if perhaps they are more entwined than i realised. I am fully
aware of the dangers of disordered eating yet persist in indulging in
these behaviours, and obviously the negative effects of si are clear.
Basically i would like to know if anyone else has a similar situation
and what they did to break the cycle.am too ashamed to speak to anyone in real life about this.
Posted 20 September 2005 - 08:30 AM
I was doing great.I had a tonne of energy.Up until this morning
when I woke up.Now I seem to be in slow-motion.My arms won't do what I
ask them to quickly enough.And I'm all shaky.I want to eat...but I can't let me...I don't deserve food...well, that's my logic.
Posted 19 September 2005 - 11:01 PM
I'm COMPLETELY freaking out and I have no physical people to talk to...I don't know what to do anymore...I don't know what to do...who to talk to...who to trust...It safest if I trust no one...That'd be a sad existence, but I'd be safe...no, actually I wouldn't..I'd be worse off...unfortunately, I have no alternative..
Someone at work, basically, told on me for self-harming...they think i'm a hazard to the kids...I think they think that because I hurt me, I must want to hurt them...i don't understand their logic...but then, they don't understand mine.
I was asked if I self-harmed..I was given advice numbers to call...don't they think I've tried that?I can't talk to strangers anyway...it doesn't work for me...I just worry about the burden I am causing a TOTAL stranger...even just as i type this I am aware of the fact that there are people with enough to deal with without me and my nonsense...and for that I apologise...
I think work are being really polite and asking me to leave without actually asking me...I think they're worried if they fire me I'll do something really serious...you know??Maybe I should leave and save them the bother/burden??
I don't know what to d or think or what to say and to whom...
I think my head may explode...I hope it does.
I haven't explained nearly some of what I wished to..perhaps I'll add to this later..
I have to go now though
Posted 13 September 2005 - 12:18 AM
OK, so I need help...I just realised I searched the internet for
PRO ED websites!!!!!Am I going crazy??(No offence to any of you who may
belong to one)...I guess...I just never thought that would be
me!!NEVER.But...it is.
Posted 13 August 2005 - 11:47 AM
CHRISTIANITY - CATHOLICISM VS. PROTESTANTISMOkay, so the title isn't quite true, but it is....where I live it is a mixed area of Protestants and Catholics, but I remember being battered to bits for being a Catholic at age 7 during the split second I was alone in my neighbourhood.
So I never really liked Protestants because they didn't like me!Life was simple because every Protestant I came into contact with would make it clear that they disliked me, which made it easier for me to dislike them.
But I recently started a new job and have met a HUGE variety of people some of whom are just fantastic!I never thought about religion at all when getting to know them because the job occupied all of our time and thoughts.I just enjoyed everybody's company and allowed myself to see the good in every one of them.
Then I really 'clicked' with one of the girls and we (I believe) clicked on every level you can with another person.And we got to talking about religion and she spoke highly of her Church (as did I) and we agreed to go to my Church then hers straight after it last Sunday.
Well...IT WAS FABULOUS...my kind of place.Being with someone I care about and feeling part of something (which I have never felt before!)
It was FANTASTIC!!!!
I intend to go back.
A new Church was being opened last night, we went to the opening concert and it was ace too...I felt like everything made sense (there have been a lot of things in Catholicism I haven't thought to be fitting with my beliefs)
Then, afterwards (a bit of an afterthought on my part really) I heard one of the girls say the word Protestant and it dawned on me that that was the kind of Church I was in and that the people were AMAZING and that I wanted to belong to them...
But my parents (and entire family for that matter, are Catholic)...and it will be a problem, I'm sure it will...I know it will.
My head is spinning with 5million thoughts...it has been for a while...and now I have another million...
Posted 25 October 2005 - 09:48 PM
I am now scared of food.This was never true for me.Eating was
never a problem.Neither was my weight.Now it's all I can think about.I
keep visiting ridiculous websites that tell me what weight I should be.I
was at the Doctors' the other day I almost asked what weight I should
be but it was a Doctor who kick-started all of this they told me I
"could do with losing a few pounds" -something I took more serious than I
expect they imagined I would.I have since dropped 17lbs (almost
1.5stones/8.5kilos).I also found a website telling me I should be 7and a
half stone for my weight.For the first month or so I would go through days where I did not eat at all, and when I did, it was not much.
I can now no longer eat without being -purposefully- sick.
I am looking at calorie contents -something I had NEVER known existed,let alone taken notice of previously!Then I remember that there is no point in looking at calorie contents as I am going to throw it up anyway.
I have no idea what to do.
No one is listening/noticing.
Thank God for my friend who is so supportive I don't think I'd even be caring about this if it weren't for the fact that she is in my life.
Posted 06 February 2006 - 03:28 PM
i can't believe how bad things have gotten just now.i can't
believe i just hurt me after ..not..(can't think of proper English) for
so long.i feel ...awful...
that's me being polite...
sorry for burdening you all woth this...
i don't know what to do anymore...
i can't stop crying...
i've given up...
again...
Posted 08 February 2006 - 06:04 PM
i have no emotions right now so that's all i can say....i hate being like this...
Posted 29 August 2007 - 01:03 AM
I'm not sure where to start but the lowest i've ever been was
yesterday.i don't think i can mention it on here as i'm afraid i'll be
kicked off but let's just say it involved a window...it's a long long story and i can't find words just now and don't know if i can tell some of it on here as i can't get kicked off if i do i'll have nothing...but i need a wee bit of help.Please.
Someone must know where I can get help in Scotland.Please.
I've been self harming for 10 years now.When I told a teacher what happened to me in the past and she promised she wouldn't tell but did and then social workers told my mum when i was at school and then i wouldn't talk to my mum coz i couldn't and i made her cry and that was the first time i hurt me.
The cycle I've been in for the last 10 years is that I've been to GP they send me to psychiatrist for assessment they take three weeks to meet with other people and then send me a letter to say they can't help me.Then I go back to the GP and they say to see a psychologist which I've done for the 10 years on and off.They were all more detrimental to me than helpful.I saw one once a week for two years and tried so hard as the GP said it takes time and effort and i know that but they think i didn't try but i did because i stayed at the same one for 2 years.i tried.they think i didn't.they talk about me behind my back.to the other people i've been to and to other doctors.probably to their friends talking about the wee lying girl that came in that day.
they all think i'm lying.otherwise why will they not help me???
the only conclusion which i can draw is that i must've been Hitler in a previous life otherwise i would get help but no one will help me...
Posted 02 September 2007 - 08:55 PM
Really want to hurt me.Distracting myself with all manner of
things so I don't hurt me as I'll let everyone down.I don't care about
keeping me safe...I just don't want to upset everyone else!!
Posted 04 September 2007 - 11:17 PM
i don't belong anywhere.i feel like a burden on everyone around
me.i can't deal with me anymore.the dr's haven't helped and i've seen
hundreds in almost 10 years -16 psychologists and 10 psychiatrists
inclusive.if none of the 'experts' can help me and i can't help me
should i just save everyone the bother and give up?that seems the only
logical solution to me.i know it's not logical to a mind that's never
suffered bad sadness (i hate the d word)..sadness that never lets up not
for a minute of the day and the day lasts a week...urgh...now all sense has left my head so i will shut up...
Posted 04 September 2007 - 10:33 PM
i want to hurt me.i didn't even manage an entire 24 hours the last
time i wrote ...i'm fighting so hard to stay safe...i
can't fight anymore i am too tired.
Posted 10 September 2007 - 12:23 AM
I WISH I COULD FLY AWAY FROM HEREI'm not coping very well...I haven't been coping well for quite some time now.
I'll say no more as I don't want to upset you.I don't want to upset anyone.I don't mean to upset people.
I read posts about being too graphic in this sub forum and I feel like they were aimed completely at me...I'm worried sick about it..I'm worried sick about everything and everyone.
I don't want to say anything else because I don't want to cause upset but I'm not coping well...at all...
I need help and no one will help me.
I have no friends and can't stand anything anymore..
Posted 10 September 2007 - 12:41 AM
i do not know what anyone can do to help.i honestly don't think
anyone can help me...no one ever has..it just keeps getting worse and
worse and...worse...and now i can't see tomorrow
Posted 11 September 2007 - 01:03 AM
I feel like such a burden on everyone -I'm not coping well with life at the moment...My girlfriend -and she is my only friend- well she was.She has decided it would be best for us not have a relationship anymore...
My grandad died 12hours ago..
My gran is a wee lost soul without him (she has dementia and isn't retaining the fact that he is gone)
My mum is trying to help her and is staying with gran tonight..
I'm in the house with just my dad -who is basically reliving the death of his parents..
Both of my sisters are expecting and one already has a 4 year old -both of them are in messy relationships..
I have no friends and my family have enough things just now I am a burden on everyone around me and everyone farther afield (i.e. you reading this post)..
my grandad is dead and all i can think is...
well, we know which sub-forum we're in.. [IT WAS SELF-INJURY]
Posted 10 September 2007 - 10:20 PM
My grandad died today.My mum asked me to sing at his funeral on
Friday.I said yes but am now wondering if I'll be able to keep the tears
back...My poor wee gran is a lost soul..She has dementia and hasn't a
clue what's going on...It's so sad she says she's the only one left
now...I've never lost anyone before, just my gran's sister last year and
I cried at her funeral so I don't know how I'll manage to sing at
grandad's.
Posted 14 September 2007 - 02:44 PM
I'm bummed out.It's only 3.30pm but I just want to go to sleep...My heart is breaking for my gran -she's all alone now...and doesn't understand.
I managed to sing the psalm and was really strong..until I came back down into the congregation...then I fell to pieces..
Posted 26 June 2005 - 08:08 PM
My siblings told me I was adopted (which I am NOT...I am the
spitting image of my older sister, we are still often mistaken for being
twins (and she's 10 years older!Ha!)The worst part however is that they told me my birth mother was Bea Smith from "Prisoner Cell Block H"!!!!!
I cried for an hour the day she was killed in a prison riot.I was really angry with the prison officers on that show (who I believed were really prison officers) for having shipped my 'mother' off to Barnhurst where she met a tragic end!!!!
I believed she had to give me up because she was a murderer and it was (as my brother and sisters told me) "the best thing for me"! I also believed my real father was later killed by her because he let my sister die...man, no wonder I'm so crazy I HONESTLY believed this for 5 years!!!!
Since my father went along with this charade and my mum refused to comment, I believed this until I was 11. Siblings, eh?!!
*To this day I am STILL completely obsessed with Val Lehman -the actress who played Bea.*
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