Still on a downward spiral

Back to the 'I won't make it til then and if I leave leaving to the very last minute it would either be the 25th (my Dad's birthday) or if I go for past midnight it would be my dad who'd find me...either way I'm a complete and utter bitch...why I'm prolonging this hell I just don't know... I hate me so no wonder I have no real life actual friends and people are so full of rubbish -I'm sick of "yeah, I'll come see you" when they don't ... I do nothing, I AM nothing...
aargh i hate this -stupid lawyer was supposed to be today at 1 and my SAMH worker could help me out the house (agoraphobic to the max!), he's male and she'd come in with me...then he called to say the secretary got the wrong diary, he wasn't free -can it be Wed...i have no support til Wed -SAMH come Wed and Fri...crisis team-clearly useless...

plus had body therapy today at 3pm -SAMH worker helped me out of flat (and calmed me down when i went back into gimme-a-rope-mode...she's ace but is only on cover for other person who is on holiday...she's nice too -but when she leaves, my house smells of smoke for ages from her and triggers my asthma...)

....anyhoo....filled in sheet you need to at bodytherapy session (basically, a massage -but i've uncovered my arms a handful of times in the last 13 years...and been told i brought shame on the family...had that well ingrained -PLUS since fracturing ankle i went from a size 10-12....to 26 =' ( stretch marks everywhere...i hate my body)...so therapy helps as i'd be able to show someone, who'd be non-judgemental, my skin and disgrace...

this was due to be my first session -filled in form and they add up scores from answers -but i got citation in the last week so answer to "have you felt angry" was -all/most of the time...so to was the answer for "have you felt overwhelmed" etc...so she said i was too severe to be involved with them now -i broke down...

started talking about everything and how i have the means to not be here -she said she was going to call the police (i wasn't being violent...she meant so i'd be safe) but i now HATE the police-they are liars; they twist things and make me a baddie -they are a bunch of swearwords and a re in on it too...everyone wants me to get me...clearly so to are the folk from today...

in a nutshell...

• the police are COMPLETE liars;
• psychotherapist's off for foreseeable;
• social worker hates me and pretends she doesn't get messages from me;
• A&E roll their eyes and call folk who say "there comes a point where YOU have to be responsible for you" -eh?!!trying!! (that''d be why i ask for help you bunch of sadists!!);
• 'crisis' team suggest tea;
• psychiatry say i'm not 'bad enough' to get help from them;
• lifelink are saying i'm 'too bad' to get help from them;
• a GP flat-out told me what to take to go...

wanna smash my head off a wall 'cause it seems it's what they're doing to me...but still kicking about

*****STUPIDLY MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING*****

*****TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE SENSITIVE -YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!*****

Cannot stress the triggering this stupidity will do

And yet you're still reading...

Called breathing space last night/this morning -they said to call crisis team -what they hell?!!...by the way I'd already explained that nobody would put me through to them and that it was like banging my head off a brick wall -the only time they called me back was because the girl who is a cpn but off sick just now had called them to say she was worried about me and thought she'd never see me again because I was going to take my own life...she's off sick with her mental ill health...so I can't tell her my thoughts this time...

...and last time I called out of hours crisis I was asked to get off the phone "so that someone in a real crisis could get through"

...I can think of 4 males who ruined me and frick all came of the one I reported that went on from me being 6 til I was 11...

fuck the system...

...Fuck this Point in it? I do nothing but leach off of everyone around me I can't even to outside alone anymore so, nah, fuck this This is the cherry on this fruitloop's cake Court?! When CCTV must show him going round the one way system incorrectly, his statement says they both got out the car -I never even spoke to the girl -she was to busy doing her hair and make up...then the guy who is over 6 foot says he was scared of me? Nah, fuck this This world is shit
And if taking my own life means I go to hell?
...living there already mate...
I actually no longer care what state the flat's in or anything (like who gets what or who finds me or what happens to the student loan i owe -does it transfer to family, etc? or what would happen to my animals) I won't know so fuck it
Sooner rather than later eh?
...Seriously, you should see this letter -the guy was frightened by me??! Eh!! Aye right...lies upon lies -When CCTV MUST SHOW him going round the one way system incorrectly and coming over to me on my crutches when I got out of my car,
his statement says they both got out the car -I never even spoke to the girl -she was to busy doing her hair and make up...next in the statement the guy -who is well over 6 foot- says he was scared of me?! (I'm exactly 5ft and ON CRUTCHES!!!)

...this may be all over the place but I hope you can make some sense out of it if you've managed to read any of it...

was feeling sore and rubbish for ages, then felt ok for a few days and as though I could fight again..Then BANG back to earth with a bump -citation in for all the nonsense in Stobhill carpark in September (when, for anyone who doesn't know/remember a crazy guy came round the car park in a hospital car park and into the space that I was indicating to go into...he then gave me the finger, called me a spastic and laughed at me when I asked him to move his car he kept saying "you better not key my car" and after I parked elsewhere I went past his car thinking how weird it was for him to say that. His car was indeed scored. Meantime he'd called the police and said I'd keyed his car and when they arrived I was driven to a police station where I spent 8 hours in a cell with excrement on the wall, it was freezing in there and I asked for my jacket -was told really sternly "No, it has metal buttons!!" (And yet I had my 2 metal crutches in with me!!), I asked to go to the toilet twice and didn't get to go, I asked for a drink of water...yup denied...
I also had to ask for my inhaler twice and only got it the second time because by then the wheeze was audible to the person on the bloody desk!!
-anyway, I've to be in court on 26th August at 9am... I already told the crisis team more than once, and you too ...if it goes to court I will kill myself...well, it IS going to court

 

...WHY WON'T THE CRISIS TEAM BE A FUC£^NG CRISIS TEAM AND HELP ME!!!???

 

...Ack ah guess they were right...sure I had rope but I couldn't use it incase my dad was the one to find me...
or my sister -and she might bring her babies... 

 
Now? I can't call -what if they actually DID help? (My inner voice just laughed at that) it'd mean I'd be here for court.

I won't be.

 

My psychotherapist's assistant sent a letter last week to say a family member of hers had been in a near-fatal accident and that she will be off for the foreseeable...she was the only person I'd be able to get in touch with about any of this...
It's all just too coincidental!!

 

They're ALL IN ON IT -I thought she wasn't...Perhaps I was wrong...and, in that case, i shared too much...that's how they've been able to push my buttons...it all kind of makes sense now...

Besides, even if they WERE a helpful crisis team there would be no point in calling them anyway -you call them if you want help to live...but what kind of life am I living?!
Plus you call them if you want help to not end your life...I don't care anymore...
I actually don't care  

 

***

 

i caved, i called them...their advise??

-she asked if I could make myself a cup of tea and watch a soap...

 

 ***

D'you know...When I overdosed in February I had this ditzy bitch ask me if I was still feeling suicidal I said yes and was discharged less than 4hours later, having been in less than 30hours...why did they bother to ask?...
So I called crisis as soon as I got to the door past the ward... I was made to explain at least twice the situation from start to finish...
Then she said "I don't know what it is you want me to do...you tell me what you want me to do for you" ...I hung up and walked round to A&E -bearing in mind 'walking' for me is painstakingly slow, in an air-walker boot, beyond sore, using a rollator (thing that looks kinda like a zimmer)...plus I was in pyjamas with a hoodie on and it was blinking freezing...
Waited 7hours before crisis cpn team came -spoke with them for less than 5mins during which time one of the women said "there comes a point where you have to take responsibility" at least THREE TIMES...JUST HAD IT ON THE PHONE FROM CRISIS LESS THAN 20mins ago too...must be their 'go to' line...

Was sent home and by this point it was after midnight and I had no money...it took me OVER AN HOUR to walk to the bus stop at the bottom of a long-ass hill as all I had on me was my bus pass...and it was the last bus and only went part-way...I could have cried if I wasn't so frikkin afraid the tears would have frozen on my cheeks...nah, there were no tears left by then

***

So, to sum up:
1. Crisis team won't help
2. Hospital just send me home
3. I have horrendous agoraphobia anyway so wouldn't be able to get to the hospital even if they would help...

***

Back to the 'I won't make it til then and if I leave leaving to the very last minute it would either be the 25th (my Dad's birthday) or if I go for past midnight it would be my dad who'd find me...either way I'm a complete and utter bitch...why I'm prolonging this hell I just don't know... I hate me so no wonder I have no real life actual friends and people are so full of rubbish -I'm sick of "yeah, I'll come see you" when they don't ... I do nothing, I AM nothing...

i have no friends -as it should be...   

Melting down ~MAQ

Had a meltdown in my brain
I asked for help but no-one came
They say to ask when you're in need
But then the laugh  -defeat concede
There's no help coming
There's none to give
They say it's my choice to not want to live

My brain's not right; but it used to be
it used to work now it's just debris
i can't repair the damage done
the game is over and i have not won
too much to fix, too much is broken
i guess nothing can stop the destructive giant that's been woken

it's all my fault and i must be to blame
my world ends soon some might think it's a shame
but then where were they when i needed them most
ha! who am i kidding? i've no friends; i'm a ghost
a shadow, a shell of the person i once was
i couldn't fix it alone -you see there wasn't just one 'coz.

LIES ~MAQ

Lies - just tell them what they want to hear
Got to tell them, got to tell them they've nothing to fear

Lies - they need them to get them to sleep
Got to tell them, got to them, secrets? I'll keep

Lies - to help them end the visit or call
Got to tell them, got to them, cannot share it all

Lies - they come out like oxygen now
Got to tell them, got to them, sharing? i'd be a cow

oh! to be 5 again ~MAQ

so shiny, sharp and silver,
bright, glistening, gleaming...

it talks to me all  day long

the silence is filled with it

i miss proper silence -when i could just be bored and not have to fight,

i miss when my skin was smooth -and i didn't have to hide or lie or miss out on things with my nieces and nephews,

i miss the old me -the one who didn't know what 'bad things' were

i really miss the one who never had 'bad things' in her life

i wish i were 5 again

June 2013

was pretty much, well, I'll not use the swearword that's in my head to describe it and nothing else seems to come close...

urgh -having an awful wee spell here - ***TRIGGER WARNING***

I want to hurt me -in any way, punch me, pinch me, burn me, scald me, smack my head off a wall -all of these seem a better idea than talking to yet another out of hours 'trained' CPN -are they really?...my cat is more therapeutic, but then he is a baby and causes me to bleed and remind me i'm alive...maybe that's the trick for me...

As for 'crisis intervention' is it just me, or do they rip the utter pi$$?
frikkin Mental Health team often don't talk back -so many times i've been promised x,y or z.....STILL waiting -same for GP...they're all in on it -they think i don't know and they deny it when i ask...but it's true...

what's the point? i do nothing but leach off of everyone i come into contact with and even some i've never come into with!...


...all i am is a drain on society...

...a fat waste of space...

...who does nothing...

for anyone

what a selfish oxygen thief

 ...but to leave a body behind -is that more selfish than continuing to drain everyone forever?
a poor soul having to cut me down and take me away and do whatever happens next, and my family being inconvenienced, and the people who tried to help...




WHAT'S THE LEAST SELFISH THING......


I WISH SOMEONE COULD TELL ME

a long rant -just because i haven't had one on here for a bIt...

I can't tolerate sounds, mostly normal sounds like people eating, breathing, sniffing, coughing, repetitive noises, certain words etc...pretty much any noise really. its been like this for years but seems to be getting worse just lately, the slightest sound makes me furious, can't control it the anger, and end up hurting myself instead of someone else! it gives me physical pain though, especially chest pain and can't breathe properly...you know like the feeling when you hear nails on chalk board or something? makes me feel so sick...toot toot *Madville* has been reached!

clocks, hairdriers, hoovers, neighbours, drunks outside, my hamster in his ball, my hamster in his pen,when i'm wheezing (that one REALLY annoys me...esp if it lasts more than a few hours even when using meds or is painful becuase i know it means i have to take action...and then THAT means leaving the flat....and i have agoraphobia -badly...then i get lovely new annoying sounds depending on where i end up -sirens on ambulance for example -feelings like my head's going to burst with that one...

***

i have that itchy skin need to hurt me feeling today...brain has shut down, words are failing me and it's taking over....aaargh stupid brainless brain!
Distractions...been going round in circles of distractions for soooooooooooo long and now i'm so tired -in every possible way you can be tired...i wanted to do a wee bit the other day but fought and fought coz i know i'll start a war with my skin again....but this time....aaargh...
i feel numb...that's when i sh -so i can feel anything...
my brain has left my head -i'm just a shell again...a nothing...a ghost of a person...or a person living a half-life...i dunno -because my brain left...
 I WAS driving crazily but had a wee bit of sense enough to pull over and STOP but I didn't think I WAS going to kill someone, but I knew driving like that made me more likely to kind-of-thing...
***

And, just so we're clear, I feel JUST AWFUL for making anyone worry ever in my life...I...yeah...feel just terrible -I know many folk try to help each other but I don't want to be upsetting folk or having them worry unnecessarily. I'm having another 'unseen illness' spell as well whereupon I'm REALLY feeling the pain I (not literally) managed to contain to my left toe yesterday in order to be outside my flat for as long as i was....normally I can't stand up for more than half an hour but I was outside for quite a bit yesterday and now my Complex Regional Pain Syndrome CRPS has taken FULL HOLD -I feel pain EVERYWHERE basically right now and haven't managed to move from the spot I lay down in last night -not even for the loo...on these days I just hold it til I can move...hopefully that'll be soon as I (naughtily) took ONE extra painkiller...but no need to freak it's not an overdose as such...I'd just quite like to go to the toilet...oh, ok it was 2

***

The next GP that asks what my CPN says...well...i can't be held responsible for my actions as my brain will have left my head again...

READ THE F*&kn notes - I DO NOT HAVE ONE - THEY SAY i DON'T NEED ONE...

Had another meeting with a psychiatrist and there was the man from last time who said i didn't need one, sitting in on the meeting...like he's gonna turn round now and say "oh, ok, hands up, my mistake she DOES need one"..that was the last resort and they're having some big 'secret' meeting' if they say I don't need one again like they did last year...aaaargh........argh nothing -they're going to say it -FK this -what's the point....i'm on my own and i'm a ba$tard -what's the point in hanging round with me for company, fk, hardly anyone else can tolerate me for longer than an hour -or they don't at all...whatever....i'm out .... FK this....https://www.youtube.com/watch?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vFJo8rJqbg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOHlnV5fcsQ





https://www.facebook.com/groups/520571744640037/permalink/595183120512232/?comment_id=595411980489346&offset=0&total_comments=23

i feel AWFUL i'm so so sorry -words are just words....i am so so sorry....words, are just words....
 i do feel really bad -like i just came along when the rest of the world was having fun 'til i spoiled it....going to shoosh now...

when r u due in court?Can u make an appointment with ur GP today, u can get a letter to state that ur housebound, also ask to be referred to a mental health advocate, explain the stress this is causing u.
Gp is en route -I cannot move and it feels like someone has poured petrol on back and lit it! Yeah I'd get legal aid. No dates no nothing I don't understand what even happened to be honest -I've never been in trouble before that date (nor, may I add have I been asked if is wished a lawyer since!!!)What I mean to say is, it's not like I for into trouble on that date then just went out and started wreaking havoc!!Not been to court -wasn't allowed his statement or anything...
a few folk were worried as to why i went quiet again and were asking what happened...to which i said 
-nothing happened -just a bit of confusion...plus I was a bit (MASSIVELY) impulsive whilst driving ...was a bit...dunno...think I was fighting impulsive thoughts to hurt me and voiced that fact on here which made folk worry...and ...I didn't mean for folk to worry I was just getting that off my chest and I fought it but had tried to stay offline coz I was being triggered (and triggering others too I guess)    = (

***

Was going to buy a book about BPD so i can better understand things and remind myself that i am not alone and that i am not as crazy as i think i am...

***

Back hardly eased all weekend -it was either 9/10 on the pain scale or beyond 10....it honestly felt like i WAS ON FIRE at points...I usually feel bad for having to have the GP come to me, but I didnt fel bad in the slightest this time -I COULD NOT MOVE...not even to go the toilet...it felt like i was glues to the fiery bed...so i didn't feel bad for the call out this time-but on call outs before, from my old GP practice, when it's been because agoraphobia has kicked in...and i KNOW i have a chest infection or whatever but they still insist on coming out (which i understand) ..i end up in tears coz they'll talk about the wee bed-ridden man they'd just been at or whatever....ach...plus the receptionist will ask more than once "and you've A-B-S-O-L-U-T-E-L-Y  N-O  W-A-Y  O-F  G-E-T-T-I-N-G  H-E-R-E?" as though i'm either stupid,  pretending or both...

***i managed to record a song to try to distract myself as i HAD to sit up for 3 lots of 10-20 mins today = ( ...it was so difficult to get into a sitting position, and felt nigh-on impossible to stay there...so recording really helped to try to take my mind off it. Earlier, when the dr came i couldn't even hold a book to read to distract myself...'twas a LOOOOOOOONG day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!